Excuses are like armpits, everyone has one -- especially patients. On a lighter note, this week we're hoping our question gives you a good laugh. The head nurse wants to know:

What's the funniest patient excuse you've ever heard?

We know how creative some patients can get, so let 'er rip!

Working in a LTF, midnights, I could write a book or blog for months. I will share only one right now. I had this resident who shared a room with her French twin for 10 years at this facility and had roomed together for 20+ years before they decided to move into the community. To say the least, they were two beautiful "French croissants". Their bonds were wildly amazing until the older one started to loose grips easier and started showing signs of dementia and alzheimer's to the point where she was in need of more care and was unable to stay in her sister's room. That being said, she became a regular patient of mine and she had fun poking fun of my baby-french that I spent 4 years in high school to learn and didn't share much. I was greeted with more than my fair share of resistance on this one particular night, and I tried to figure out what was going on.

She didn't want to eat, no clothes for bed, couldn't even brief her. So, extra pads and a change of sheets were on standby as I waited patiently for the "Oh, j'cuze moi" or other rants as she realized the time or had eliminated... Nothing for the 3 check and changes through a 4 hour period and no redirection was helping. The sour look on her face made Cruella D'evil look like Mother Theresa. I was at a loss and was ready to chalk it up to a full moon episode and sat to chart just to the left of her doorway. Now on a good day, she not only needed her wheelchair to get down the hall, but we had even stopped putting her wander alarm on because she NEVER even sneezed and sat up on her own for 5 months!

Imagine a very thin, 5'8' 160 lb, grey hair pulled into a bun on the top of her head woman.... NAKED. Rolling like a 3 year old on the tiled floor of her room, out the door and into the hallway- picks herself up and exclaims with her arms to the flourscent lighting " ta-da! Happy birthday!! Now lets go to church baby lady."

I still spend nights lying awake wondering what the....

editor says ...

Excuses are like armpits, everyone has one 

 

And they all stink!!!  (har har har) 

I had a patient tell me she couldn't take a bath because she was allergic to water. Immediately after she said that, she realized how ridiculous it sounded and we both busted out laughing at the same time!

 Working in a rehab unit SNF for the last few years, we have encountered numerous "interesting" residents. One in particular stands out. 

She was in her 80's, dementia and a significant medical history. Our unit had just hired a few new CNA's, several of which had little or no experience.  Well, one night this cute little lady, who tended to sundown quite a bit, was assigned to one of our new CNA's.  The CNA, which I will call Sam, was asked to assist the LPN in giving the patient a Fleets enema. The LPN gave the enema and asked Sam to stay with her to make sure she stayed on the bedpan. As soon as the LPN left the room, the patient rolled over, and with almost perfect aim, pushed the enema and the stool that ensued from that enema, directly at Sam. I happened to walk past the room when I heard a blood curdling scream, recognized Sam's voice, and went to see what was the matter. I found Sam covered in solution and stool, from chest to shoes, crying, and the patient laying in bed, pointing and laughing at her. When I asked the patient what had happened, she said "I wanted to sweeten her up with some homemade chocolate pudding!" Sam ran from the room, went into the locker room, and refused to come out. One of the other nurses had a spare uniform in her locker, which Sam agreed to wear after she got a shower. We led her to the employee locker rooms with shower stalls. Then we went back to the unit. Sam never returned. The patient sat up laughing most of the night about how sweet she helped that "snotty nurse" become.  None of us have heard from Sam since. 

 A senior citizen, former WWII Navy SEAL - (BTW)  had been spending a good portion of his time drunk and falling asleep in snow banks since he became a widower.  His daughters were unhappy about the way he was spending his golden years, and did not want him to finish out his life in this manner.  When the daughters confronted him, he turned to the MD, MSW and me, shrugged his shoulders and said, "I love the taste of Wild Turkey!"  

An adult male, needed a pea removed from his left nares. Upon further questioning, he apparently inserted said pea into said nares, to illustrate for his six y/o son, who had moments before done the same thing, that it was, in fact, possible to blow your nose correctly in order to expel said pea. Apparently, neither father nor son could master their nose-blowing art sufficiently to expel their respective peas, and both sought medical assistance.

Way too easy a question! One way to tell a seasoned ER nurse is that they no longer roll their eye's when a patient states "I have no idea how that got in there!" It's almost always prefaced with "I had a few drinks last night, then I awoke this morning with this uncomfortable feeling in my .............." Vegetables, cucumbers, potatos, flashlights and similar are what I've usually seen, but the public has no lack of imagination.

I don't have any nursing stories just yet, but I do have one as a medical assistant. I was admitting a patient into the sobering unit before she went into detox for her drinking. When we searched her bag she pulls out a bottle of wine. So I asked her what that was for and she told me with the most serious look, " This is just in case I get thirsty".  I didnn't laugh right there but I quickly turned around and went into the treatment room closed the door and busted out laughing.

                                                                                                                                                 nurseTausha