A little old lady was shuffling down the hall of a long term facility. As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown and say "supersex". She approached an elderlly gentleman in a wheelchair, flipped up her nightgown and said "supersex". He stared at her for a moment and then muttered " I'll take soup".

This is my favorite nursing home joke: An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

A sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattes, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says" If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip: The old man snaps back "Well if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I'd have a seat today."

There was this guy who really took care of his body. One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, undressed and buried himself in the sand leaving only his penis sticking out in the sun. Two little old ladies were walking by. On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, one lady began to poke it with her cane remarking to the other old lady "There really is no justice in this world" The other little old lady said "What do you mean?" "Well, just look at that! When I was twenty, I was curious about it. When I was thirty, I enjoyed it. When I was forty, I asked for it. When I was fifty, I paid for it. When I was sixty, I prayed for it. When I was seventy, I forgot all about it. Now, I'm eighty and the damn things are growing wild!"

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law unexpectedly died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through high school, didn’t we? Would you do me a favor? When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s a women’s softball game there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
"Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb – it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose, Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first, “Barb said.
“The good news, said Rose, “is that there’s a Softball association in Heaven and the women’s softball is really great. Better than that, all our fun loving buddies who died before us are here too. Even better than that is…we are all young again! It never rains or snows, and we can play softball all we want, all year, and we never get tired!”
“That’s fantastic!” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams. So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

The minister's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them and not make them your enemies. The minister asked "Is there anyone here today who can honestly say they have no enemies?. Not a hand went up. After a few moments, an elderly lady timidly raised her hand. The minister said "Please come up and tell us all how you have lived all these years and have no enemies". Dutifully, the old lady made her way to the front and said "I outlived them all!"

Char that's great! Reminds me of a pt I called today to inform about the risks involved with his elev. chol. He said, "Just tell me what to do. I'll do anything. I have to be around for a lot of years yet as I have many people to annoy. They all deserve it." I couldn't stop laughing, I hadn't heard anything like that from one of my patients yet! It was classic.

I liked the last one char...that fits me to a T! LOL! I have "blonde" moments all of the time!