1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ." My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. " Big
breaths,". I instructed. " Yes, they used to be,". . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Rich ard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a " massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. " Which one ?". . . I asked. " The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every
six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly pa tient, I asked. " How long have you been bedridden ?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ." Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ." So how's your breakfast this morning?" " It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.". . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled " KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she wa s completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ." Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said " Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ." I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ." No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

I just received these from an old co-worker via e-mail....thought it was funny enough to share, and besides, I NEEDED the laugh!

(LAUGHING)...that is funny! No offense Al. I know quite a few of you guys with a good head on your shoulders, and quite a few women, that couldn't find their way out of a wet paper sack. It takes ALL kinds, you know!

what book can i find all these really great jokes in my wife and i couldnt stop laughing while reading these

daddyofsadn: alot of these are in The Adult Only Joke Book . Here's one from Nurses calender 2008 (I'm not sure if this one's true-it sounds alittle far-fetched) Nicolae, a 43-year 0ld Russian father of five, decided to take the problem of birth control into his own hands. When the condom his wife bought was too large, he had a brilliant idea: why not just superglue the condom onto his penis? Unfortunately, after their activities, he could not remove the condom. In a panic, he rushed to the local clinic for help. He told a nurse that he thought the condom could be used several times and wanted it stuck to his penis so he could re-use it later. According to the nurse "We barely managed to remove it".

charlita said:

daddyofsadn: alot of these are in The Adult Only Joke Book . Here's one from Nurses calender 2008 (I'm not sure if this one's true-it sounds alittle far-fetched) Nicolae, a 43-year 0ld Russian father of five, decided to take the problem of birth control into his own hands. When the condom his wife bought was too large, he had a brilliant idea: why not just superglue the condom onto his penis? Unfortunately, after their activities, he could not remove the condom. In a panic, he rushed to the local clinic for help. He told a nurse that he thought the condom could be used several times and wanted it stuck to his penis so he could re-use it later. According to the nurse "We barely managed to remove it".

al_chamizo said:

Ever notice that most of the woman's problems starts with men; MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause... ........ And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy! Can't win for loosing.

When I first become an LPN I worked in the ER. A young couple came in. He had poison ivy around his penis. His girlfriend had poison ivy around her mouth. They swore up and down they were on a picnic and did not know how this happened. Trying to keep a straight face, one nurse asked "now what was it you ate again?"

YES! and you're not going to believe this one. I work as a recovery nurse for a gastroenterology group. One of my patients had a large tattoo on his leg that I couldn't quite make out. He was still groggy from the procedure and was very loud and obnoxious. I asked him about the tattoo and immediately wished I hadn't. He proceeded to tell me the story in a loud voice. (the doctor had to come out of the procedure room and ask him to be quiet) He had a large colorful bird on his lower leg from his knee to his ankle with a rope around it's neck. Get this! He had this tattoo so he could tell people "his cock hung below his knee". He said he would go into bars and make bets with people and then show them his tattoo. What an idiot!

This is from a Nurses Calendar so supposedly it is true. It goes: When I worked urological surgy it wasn't uncommon for the anesthesiologist to change the patient's anesthesia before surgery. . This particular time we prepared the patient for surgery, placing his feet in the stirrups. The male scrub tech lifted the sheet, then nudged me. I turned to look and almost fainted. The man's entire penis was tattooed. We had to bite our lips to kee pquiet becuse the patient was alert. Just then, the doctor walked in, thinking we had a sedated patient. When he sees the tattoo, he exclaims"**** I hope he was drunk". You should have seen the doctor jump when the patient said" Yeah, but it still hurt like hell".

An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.

...and just one more...funny!

A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied "I'm not, I just lie there." When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who? "