NursingLink

Here are some funnies to brighten your day. Feel free to add some of your own. And remember SMILE!

Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No
are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago
is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat,
you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said
can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us
to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know
best how to do it,
just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus
did NOT need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong
and you say "nothing,"
We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question
you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics
as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know
men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

this was a cartoon- two cupids flying around. one has his bow and arrows. the other doesn't have any. this one says to the other "See! No bows and arrows, just this wireless mouse (he's holding it in his hand and pointing it a couple). All you have to do is point and click". ( I guess it's funnier when you can actually see the cartoon.)

A WOMAN'S PRAYER Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand a man, I pray for love so I can forgive him, I pray for patience for his many moods, because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll just beat him to death.

You're going to smile the next time you put on a pair of gloves! - A dentist noticed a little old lady was very nervous. So he decided to tell her a joke to put her at ease. As he pulled his gloves on he said "Do you know how they make gloves?" "No" she answered. "Well" he spoofed "there is a place in Canada with a big tank of latex. Workers with hands of all sizes walk up to the tank and dip their hands in, let them dry, then pull off the gloves and throw them in the right size box". The little old lady didn't crack a smile .Five minutes later, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" the dentist asked. The little old lady said "I was just envisioning how condoms are made". GOTTA WATCH THOSE LITTLE OLD LADIES!

A mother who was 6 months pregnant was just about to step into the shower when her 3 year old daughter came into the room."Mommy, you're getting fat" she said. Mommy replied "Yes, remember, I have a baby growing in my tummy". The little girl replied "I know, but what's growing in your butt?"

I like the man rules there ljr.... funniest part... I know them to be true! Kinda like that one commercial..... The woman comes out with a new dress on and her husband is reading the paper. She asks, does this dress make me look fat? The husband never moves his eyes from the newspaper and says... You betcha! Gotta know he was sleeping on the couch that night!

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stop at a rest area and head to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the pe rson say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them.

Oh my lord these are hilarious, my son keeps looking at me funny(probably thinks-mom's really lost it now!) ljr-I love the man rules,I'm going to have to send them to my mom!!! StalightRN- the traveling one almost made me pee my pants. Char-brilliant as always!!! Now I have to think of something-be back later. ;-) nursecranny51- God and schizophrenia,funny and so true. Thank you all this was wonderfull.

I recently went into my proctologist's office for my first recta exam. His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat

until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown she gave me I sat down and as I waited I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the examining table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the 'BEER' is for? At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "

*The Bathtub Test **

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"

I thought this was hilarious. LMAO

Mental Deficiency
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is eaiser," he replied. "You ask him a simle question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?"

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

I love it Mickey

charlita said:

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees how you feel / Sometimes when you are worried, no one sees your pain /Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees you smile / However- just fart one time............LOL

Police are warning ::::
All men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

Mickey: I loved it. LOL