|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Chart Farts
•“irregular heart failure”
•“The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”
•“his Hct is stable but dropping”
•“I don’t want to be incubated again”
•Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”
•“increased worriation”
•“V/Q scan was positive for low probability”
•“pt was apprehended and guarded”
•“pulses are fixed and dilated”
•in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”
•“Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”
•“be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)
•“unemployed cashier”
•Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”
•“I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)
•“dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”
•“I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”
•“that bacterial virus is a doozy”
•“noncompliant smoker”
•“homodynamic compromise”
•“denies any rectal breeding”
•Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”
•“spucus”
•“fireballs in the uterus”
•Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”
•“partial TAH”
•Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”
•“titrate Tridil to pain”
•Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”
•“chicken pops”
•“if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”
•“polynephritis”
•“holy systolic murmur”
•“pt expired and was dc’d home”
•“Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”
•“She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”
•“My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)
•discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”
•“Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”
•“She did not lose control of her rectum”
•Plan – “gently dehydrate”
•“allergic to Sulpher”
•“platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”
•“essentially tremors”
•“nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”
•“microalbumin anemia”
•“pt is 95% blind”
•chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”
•“GERP”
•“depakote shot for pain”
•“albeauty inhaler”
•“I follow him for his paranoia”
•“We will watch her diarrhea closely”
•NH order – “check pulse everyday”
•allergies – “yes”
•“They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)
•“She has encephalitis of her right leg.”
•“It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”
•“The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”
•“I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”
•“This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”
•“The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”
•“hyperglycemia toe”
•“brachycardia”
•order – “DC home when strong”
•“pt was given a banana bath”
•“acid peptic disease”
•“The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”
•“This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”
•Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”
•“Check orthostasis while on the floor”
•“She is to wear STD stockings”
•Order “aspiration prophylaxis”
•Order “PT/OT eval STAT”
•“nonaudible wheezing noted”
•When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”
•“Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”
•Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)
•“He is allergic to wives.”
•“No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”
•“Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”
•order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”
•“fibromyalgia rheumatica”
•“Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”
•“Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”
•“Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”
•“pneumonia left femur”
•“2-4 packs of whiskey QD”
•“Pt is on clonidine, not”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•Chief complaint: stomach blotting (I don’t know what you’re complaining about… there are times where blotting may be appropriate.)
•Order: Check Billy Reuben (Well, where the heck is he?!)
•Chief complaint: Possible infected rig (If you’re calling it a “rig”, it’s probably infected.)
•Cronnies disease (Much higher incidence in hospital administrators, by the way.)
•Regurgitated heart valves (The most unique party trick I’ve seen in years.)
•R groin hermitoma (No hermit crabs jokes, please… this is a family blog.)
•Allergies: PCN & aspirin – Meds at home: NPH insulin & aspirin (Let me guess… reason for admission: anaphylaxis.)
•The patient has a long history of smoking. He smoked at least one pack of pulmonary embolisms per day. (Livin’ on the edge… flirting with death.)
•She has a decreased appetite with increased food intake. (OMG! I do too!)
•Afib – likely secondary to tachycardia
•ID recommendations were to preoperatively administer prophylactic antibiotics to protect the hospital from hospital-acquired organisms (Freudian slips from Risk Management.)
•Nurse to husband of a patient with respiratory distress: Do you want Dr Smith to impregnate your wife? (Ummm… no. But how about if Dr Smith intubates my wife.)
•Mr. H complains of PND and a non-productive couch (Couch potatoes all across the country are relieved to discover that their lack of productivity actually comes from the couch, itself.)
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•“unresponsive and in no distress”
•“nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints”
•“irregular heart failure”
•“The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”
•“his Hct is stable but dropping”
•“I don’t want to be incubated again”
•Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”
•“increased worriation”
•“V/Q scan was positive for low probability”
•“pt was apprehended and guarded”
•“pulses are fixed and dilated”
•in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”
•“Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”
•“be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)
•“unemployed cashier”
•Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”
•“I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)
•“dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”
•“I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”
•“that bacterial virus is a doozy”
•“noncompliant smoker”
•“homodynamic compromise”
•“denies any rectal breeding”
•Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”
•“spucus”
•“fireballs in the uterus”
•Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”
•“partial TAH”
•Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”
•“titrate Tridil to pain”
•Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”
•“chicken pops”
•“if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”
•“polynephritis”
•“holy systolic murmur”
•“pt expired and was dc’d home”
•“Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”
•“She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”
•“My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)
•discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”
•“Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”
•“She did not lose control of her rectum”
•Plan – “gently dehydrate”
•“allergic to Sulpher”
•“platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”
•“essentially tremors”
•“nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”
•“microalbumin anemia”
•“pt is 95% blind”
•chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”
•“GERP”
•“depakote shot for pain”
•“albeauty inhaler”
•“I follow him for his paranoia”
•“We will watch her diarrhea closely”
•NH order – “check pulse everyday”
•allergies – “yes”
•“They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)
•“She has encephalitis of her right leg.”
•“It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”
•“The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”
•“I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”
•“This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”
•“The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”
•“hyperglycemia toe”
•“brachycardia”
•order – “DC home when strong”
•“pt was given a banana bath”
•“acid peptic disease”
•“The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”
•“This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”
•Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”
•“Check orthostasis while on the floor”
•“She is to wear STD stockings”
•Order “aspiration prophylaxis”
•Order “PT/OT eval STAT”
•“nonaudible wheezing noted”
•When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”
•“Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”
•Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)
•“He is allergic to wives.”
•“No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”
•“Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”
•order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”
•“fibromyalgia rheumatica”
•“Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”
•“Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”
•“Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”
•“pneumonia left femur”
•“2-4 packs of whiskey QD”
•“Pt is on clonidine, not”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•Chief complaint: stomach blotting (I don’t know what you’re complaining about… there are times where blotting may be appropriate.)
•Order: Check Billy Reuben (Well, where the heck is he?!)
•Chief complaint: Possible infected rig (If you’re calling it a “rig”, it’s probably infected.)
•Cronnies disease (Much higher incidence in hospital administrators, by the way.)
•Regurgitated heart valves (The most unique party trick I’ve seen in years.)
•R groin hermitoma (No hermit crabs jokes, please… this is a family blog.)
•Allergies: PCN & aspirin – Meds at home: NPH insulin & aspirin (Let me guess… reason for admission: anaphylaxis.)
•The patient has a long history of smoking. He smoked at least one pack of pulmonary embolisms per day. (Livin’ on the edge… flirting with death.)
•She has a decreased appetite with increased food intake. (OMG! I do too!)
•Afib – likely secondary to tachycardia
•ID recommendations were to preoperatively administer prophylactic antibiotics to protect the hospital from hospital-acquired organisms (Freudian slips from Risk Management.)
•Nurse to husband of a patient with respiratory distress: Do you want Dr Smith to impregnate your wife? (Ummm… no. But how about if Dr Smith intubates my wife.)
•Mr. H complains of PND and a non-productive couch (Couch potatoes all across the country are relieved to discover that their lack of productivity actually comes from the couch, itself.)
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
responsive and in no distress”
•“nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints”
•“irregular heart failure”
•“The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”
•“his Hct is stable but dropping”
•“I don’t want to be incubated again”
•Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”
•“increased worriation”
•“V/Q scan was positive for low probability”
•“pt was apprehended and guarded”
•“pulses are fixed and dilated”
•in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”
•“Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”
•“be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)
•“unemployed cashier”
•Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”
•“I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)
•“dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”
•“I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”
•“that bacterial virus is a doozy”
•“noncompliant smoker”
•“homodynamic compromise”
•“denies any rectal breeding”
•Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”
•“spucus”
•“fireballs in the uterus”
•Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”
•“partial TAH”
•Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”
•“titrate Tridil to pain”
•Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”
•“chicken pops”
•“if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”
•“polynephritis”
•“holy systolic murmur”
•“pt expired and was dc’d home”
•“Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”
•“She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”
•“My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)
•discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”
•“Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”
•“She did not lose control of her rectum”
•Plan – “gently dehydrate”
•“allergic to Sulpher”
•“platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”
•“essentially tremors”
•“nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”
•“microalbumin anemia”
•“pt is 95% blind”
•chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”
•“GERP”
•“depakote shot for pain”
•“albeauty inhaler”
•“I follow him for his paranoia”
•“We will watch her diarrhea closely”
•NH order – “check pulse everyday”
•allergies – “yes”
•“They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)
•“She has encephalitis of her right leg.”
•“It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”
•“The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”
•“I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”
•“This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”
•“The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”
•“hyperglycemia toe”
•“brachycardia”
•order – “DC home when strong”
•“pt was given a banana bath”
•“acid peptic disease”
•“The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”
•“This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”
•Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”
•“Check orthostasis while on the floor”
•“She is to wear STD stockings”
•Order “aspiration prophylaxis”
•Order “PT/OT eval STAT”
•“nonaudible wheezing noted”
•When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”
•“Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”
•Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)
•“He is allergic to wives.”
•“No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”
•“Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”
•order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”
•“fibromyalgia rheumatica”
•“Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”
•“Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”
•“Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”
•“pneumonia left femur”
•“2-4 packs of whiskey QD”
•“Pt is on clonidine, not”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•Analpril 1.25mg Q8hrs (Is that for hyper-sphincter-tension?)
•Nasal packaging
•Nasal fungal cream
•He lives with his finance (So… are you thinking about your patient or the stock market?)
•Retrocele (Now in paisley!)
•Secular aneurysm (Will need intervention from the Surgical Right)
•She is on 93 Liters of oxygen (All of the latest hospital facilities come with wind tunnels)
•Wingworms (Sounds like something from the Princess Bride)
•Bypolor
•He has recently been on both aspirin, Plavix, prednisone, and Coumadin
•“Pain med: “”given”" Where/route: “”in room”" (Well… Thank you Nurse Sherlock)
•Breeding ulcer (No comment… uh… ok, one comment… We should discuss strategies on lower k values.)
•ROS: Unobtainable secondary to patient’s mental status change and I am unable to follow commands. (I bet)
•Chief complaint: Clogged tube (You’re gonna have to be a little more specific)
•Chief complaint: uncontrollable bowel movement (Like that damn pink little bunny with the drums)
•Uncontrolled left labrial cellulitis
•Buttock, lower back, and neck pain from assa (I’m not quite sure what assa is, but it should probably be taken off of the market)
•Chief complaint: Debility
•Pericardial tachycardia
•Reason for ER visit: Dates and anatomy (Dude, now that’s high risk behavior if I ever heard it)
•History of psychoptosis (Doesn’t it sorta suck when your brain explodes?)
•History of bump bleedin
•chronic obesity (As opposed to the much more shocking acute form)
•Will sue high dose furosemide to force diuresis
•Hide-a-scan
•Bi geminis (Not that there’s anything wrong with that… at least if your EF is okay)
•History of grouch in my feet (Grouch, gouch, the gout… it’s all the same)
•Mr. H is an 823-year old Caucasian male patient who was actually transferred here from another hospital.
•Bariatric enema (Every nurse’s nightmare)
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•Psychiatric Admission Diagnosis: Screamer
•He demonstrated a 9 kilogram weight loss with corresponding diuresis
•Patient sees his urologist for prosthetic enlargement
•a trail of morphine
•Admission Diagnosis: Diagnosis needed
•LE tenderness was solicitable by palpation
•Hx of lung fibroids
•Pain under left breath
•Estimated RV pressure 335mmHg
•Angina with prior myocardial infarction s/p myocardial infarction
•Medicine consult: I will be happy to follow the patient with you on my service.
•Nutrition note: Pt eating 0-100% of renal diet.
•intermittent heart beat
•History of high cholesterol 6 months for which he takes once a day cholesterol.
•He is followed by a GERD doctor.
•This is a 54 YO white African American
•Nephrology recommended dietary restriction of urine protein and creatinine.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•"We will watch her diarrhea closely"... (Whatever floats your boat, Doc.)
•On discharge instructions: "Drink plenty of urine"... (More proof that hospital food should be avoided at all costs.)
•Indication for flex sig - "blood when whipping himself"... (If you bleed when you do that, then don't do that.)
•Order "Please feed patient only when awake."... (I'm glad that that's clarified.)
•"The patient will remain hospitalized until the day of discharge"... (A lifetime of schooling to get a knack for the obvious.)
•"He had surgery for an unbiblical hernia"... (Prophesied in the scrolls of old.)
•"Seashore disorder"... (That would be "seizure". I'm sure you learned about seizures in nursing school.)
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. I have ammonia
2. s/p 76 stents
3. Labial hypertension
4. An autopsy was refused by the patient
5. Major depressive effective disorder
6. ER nurse to attending - "How are your OB skills?
We have an 8 month old having contractions."
I'm Agency
•“unresponsive and in no distress”
•“nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints”
•“irregular heart failure”
•“The need to maintain dialogue with the family regarding the appropriatenss of limiting futile care to the patient is noted”
•“his Hct is stable but dropping”
•“I don’t want to be incubated again”
•Indication for CXR – “coffee bean emesis”
•“increased worriation”
•“V/Q scan was positive for low probability”
•“pt was apprehended and guarded”
•“pulses are fixed and dilated”
•in asking about code status – “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination”
•“Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”
•“be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)
•“unemployed cashier”
•Reason for leaving AMA – “pt wants to live”
•“I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)
•“dictated home O2, transcribed homo too”
•“I have hemorrhoids & the Fitzgeralds”
•“that bacterial virus is a doozy”
•“noncompliant smoker”
•“homodynamic compromise”
•“denies any rectal breeding”
•Indication for an EGD (written by a physician) – “stomach hurt, swallow face in the morning, her poop is black & diabetes”
•“spucus”
•“fireballs in the uterus”
•Reason for office visit – “F\U chest rumbles”
•“partial TAH”
•Nursing notes in the ICU – “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”
•“titrate Tridil to pain”
•Indication for flex sig – “blood when whipping himself”
•“chicken pops”
•“if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills”
•“polynephritis”
•“holy systolic murmur”
•“pt expired and was dc’d home”
•“Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days”
•“She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.”
•“My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter)
•discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine”
•“Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis”
•“She did not lose control of her rectum”
•Plan – “gently dehydrate”
•“allergic to Sulpher”
•“platelets 1889 – dx thrombocytopenia”
•“essentially tremors”
•“nursing home called for pt acting lethargic”
•“microalbumin anemia”
•“pt is 95% blind”
•chief complaint – “bazaar behavior”
•“GERP”
•“depakote shot for pain”
•“albeauty inhaler”
•“I follow him for his paranoia”
•“We will watch her diarrhea closely”
•NH order – “check pulse everyday”
•allergies – “yes”
•“They took a 50 cent piece out of my colon” (hemicolectomy)
•“She has encephalitis of her right leg.”
•“It has been decided to stop Vancomycin IV since we would need a PICC line and the patient, like many people who have PICC lines might pull the line out.”
•“The surgical team was contracted for a cecal mass.”
•“I need a colectomy because I have pollen in my colon.”
•“This is a 981 YO female with a host of medical problems.”
•“The patient is actually a fairly reliable historian.”
•“hyperglycemia toe”
•“brachycardia”
•order – “DC home when strong”
•“pt was given a banana bath”
•“acid peptic disease”
•“The patient is difficult historian. The question is as to what is going on with the patient.”
•“This is a 75 YO type 2 hypertensive”
•Order “Please feed patient only when awake.”
•“Check orthostasis while on the floor”
•“She is to wear STD stockings”
•Order “aspiration prophylaxis”
•Order “PT/OT eval STAT”
•“nonaudible wheezing noted”
•When asked if she had a discharge, the patient said “No, but I have Blue Cross Blue Shield.”
•“Yes, I just met the Infectious Waste doctor.”
•Nurse to doctor: “I just want to let you know that this lady has had decreased urinary intake.” (Doctor aware)
•“He is allergic to wives.”
•“No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.”
•“Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was used to perfuse the kidney.”
•order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.”
•“fibromyalgia rheumatica”
•“Pleasant man lying comfortably in bed. Appears somewhat uncomfortable”
•“Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”
•“Will hold glyburide for now because of reverse hypoglycemia.”
•“pneumonia left femur”
•“2-4 packs of whiskey QD”
•“Pt is on clonidine, not”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. “Fix this chart,” after the doctor dropped it on the floor and messed up all the sections, then threw papers back in there and put it in the order rack.
2. “Squeeze balls at bedside PRN.” (Those pressure/stress foam balls…LOL!)
3. “Keep stool away from open wound at all times.”
4. “Cough and breathe deeply” to a two-month-old!
5. Once had a resident order a suppository orally…ugh!!!
6. “Walk the patient two flights and if she passes out, give her 10 mg of Valium and get her dog.” Seriously—not kidding!
7. “Crispy bacon in AM for breakfast.”
8. “Give patient a shower. If patient continues to smell, surgery is going to be canceled.”
9. “If patient has episode of involuntary moment, someone take a video of it with their cell phone and show it to me.”
10. “Withhold medication if patient becomes diarrhea.” LOL, we all had a great laugh at that one!
What’s the worst order you’ve ever read?
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. Harbor Tunnel Syndrome
2. My back has been hurting ever since they
gave me that cauterizer. (Foley catheter)
3. Discharge diagnosis = nephrolithiasis;
Discharge instructions = "drink plenty of urine"
4. Patient sitting on commode with family member
brushing her hair
5. SocHx (ICU admission presentation), "lives in
funeral home."
6. Patient sitting up comfortably, eating her lung
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. She is an 85 YO who recently smoked when she was 18.
2. Reason for seeking pulmonology referral:
"The other doctor told me that I have a
red herring in my chest"
3. Allergies "IV contrast, pimples and chest pain"
4. Order "PT/OT eval STAT"
5. Negative Valium scan
6. Social History: occupation = retard (retired :)
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. After 6mg of adenosine, the patient broke
2. Renal insufficiency. IV Lasix was
used to perfuse the kidney.
3. Code Blue was called after the patient
was found to be irresponsible.
4. Estimated blood loss of 1200 units
5. Patient had some shortness of breath
after questioning
6. Past Medical History: "little slow
mentally, can't find way home"
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Funny Comments found in Medical Records
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past 3 days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in seperate directions early in December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
:
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
She is numb from her toes down.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
A woman told the vet that something was wrong with her dog. He examined the animal and told her the dog was dead.
"I don't believe you", she said, "I'd like a second opinion"
The vet said that would be fine. He went into the other room and got a cat. He put the cat up on the table with the dog. The cat sniffed the dog and jumped down. The vet then got a black lab, put him on the table and the lab sniffed and jumped down.
The vet tells the lady again, "I'm sorry, but your dog is definitely dead. That will be $600 for the exam."
"$600 is ridiculous, what are the charges for?" she exclaimed.
"$600 is a bargain," the vet explained. "$50 for me and only $550 for the cat scan and lab work."
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
had a bisectomy ’cause of all them damn kids (it’s a shame it wasn’t done a generation earlier)
•Condition on Transfer: Much better than on presentation
•Assessment: Palpitations – please see monitor (What’s next? Systolic murmur – go ahead and listen with a stethoscope)
•I had a cartridge taken out of my knee (I hear you get a rebate for recycling those at Staples)
•He is blind in his right prosthesis (Dude, everyone is blind in their prosthesis)
•Echo with tumor vs trombus (one of those Jamaican clots)
•Social history: He used to abuse drugs remotely (boy… the technology today…)
•ROS: Neurological – no ambition
•Based on lab data, he has a stable perianal itch. (Number 1 – Is an ‘itch’ ever stable? Number 2 – What lab data?!)
•Old Timer’s
•Oldheimer’s
•Discharge Diagnosis: Viral bacterial pneumonia
•Seashore disorder (We medical-types call them ‘seizures’)
•Chief Complaint: Responsive
•Admission diagnosis: Seizurettes (We medical-types call them ‘girly man seizures’)
•History of bipolar diarrhea (You should see the manic phase)
•Failure to dehydrate
•He could not stop vomiting diarreah
•Electric lytes
•Cardiac capitalization
•Follow up with vascular urine
•Increased aggitation to sedation
•Height: 163cm, Weight: 10.3Kg, BMI 3
•We did not repeat an EKG because we have an EF from a month ago.
•history of peripheral vascular disease in both lungs
•She has a drug addition problem (1 dose of painkillers = 2 dilaudids, 2 percocets, & a sniff o’ glue)
•O2 sat: 110% on room air
•His culture grew citrus bacteria
•Nosacomical pneumonia (Not so ‘comical’ to the hospital bean counters)
•A chest CT on the 10th was negative for intracranial hemorrhage
”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•History of bipolar diarrhea (You should see the manic phase)
•O2 sat: 110% on room air
•Nosacomical pneumonia (Not so ‘comical’ to the hospital bean counters)
•Discharge Diagnosis: Viral bacterial pneumonia
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
11. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
1. "Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
2. "Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection."
3. "Since she can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert."
4. "Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia."
5. "I saw your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy."
6. "I've asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week."
7. "There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance."
8. "After her last child she had her tubs tied."
9. "Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples."
10. "Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid."
11. "Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed."
12. "Patient called and left word that he had expired last week."
13. "When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room."
14. "While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home."
15. "Prior to surgery she was prepped and raped in the usual fashion."
16. "He's rather sedentary and drives a bust all day."
17. "This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model."
18. "Both her old and new noses have been placed in our album."
19. "I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill."
20. "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized."
21. "I told her that for the time being she'll have to bare with me."
22. "His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid."
23. "He's a ten month old male who called on the day of admission to complain that his asthma was worse and he still has left otitis media."
24. "Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks."
25. "She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets."
26. "Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery."
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
1. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
2. Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
3. The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
4. Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
5. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
6. The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
7. He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
8. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling much better.
9. The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
10. Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
11. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
Father died in his 90's of female trouble in his prostate and kidneys.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Vomiting of unknown origin.
Admitted in error.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.
If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 or 5 years it comes and goes.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•MD order: Walk patient in hell.
•Patient lying on eggshell mattress.
•Fecal heart tones heard.
•Patient observed to be seeping quietly.
•Foley draining fowl smelling urine.
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
Examples of inappropriate comments found in nursing and physician documentation:
•“IV infiltrated because nightshift forgot to check it”
•“Patient going into shock, could not reach Dr. Jones per usual”
•Physician Note “Once again, the lab forgot to draw the patient’s PTT this am”
|
|
TeresahRN
25373 posts
back to top
|
•Physician Note “If the nurses would learn to read medication orders, we would have a lot fewer emergencies around here”
•“Patient received insufficient care today because nurse patient ratio was 1:7”
•“Physician Note: “Patient fell due to lax nursing supervision”
•“Patient in extreme pain because previous nurse too busy to give pain meds”
Examples of errors in grammar and incorrect use of words noted on nursing flow sheets:
•MD order: “May shower with nurse”
•“Patient has no rigor or chills, but husband states she was hot in bed last night”
•“Large BM up walking in the hall”
•“Patient had a cabbage done”
•“The pelvic exam was done on the floor”
•“Vaginal packing out, Doctor in”
•“Skin – Somewhat pale but present”
|
