•Indication for a CT: hypothesis

•Hispanic disorder has been stable here in the hospital.

•Admission weight = 832 lbs, Today’s weight = 81 Kg

•S/P condroversion

•Anti-stranded double DNA

•XRay report: Findings were compatible with the patient’s nurse

•Admission weight: 109 Kg Today’s weight: 11 Kg

•I know all about that alcohol, my father and my brother had the DDTs

•ER Chief Complaint: sterilization

•Mental status improved after discontinuing the sitter

•Chief complaint: Can’t hold water

•Prior arrest for sectional misconduct

•Fly-like symptoms

•Patient unable to sing

•I’m afraid to die of beeties.

•History of stool in his blood

•ROS: See patient for full details

•Would prefer Rocephin instead of cannolones

•Mediastentitis

•Integrilin drip for the next 3 months

•horniated disk

•trichomorass

•She is actually hacking the secretions from her throat mainly

•ICU Intern note: flesh pulmonary edema

Top Ten Least Popular Diet Orders

10.

No Added Smoked Meat

9.

3-P (Purees, Pâtés, and Penuche)

 

8.

The Chet Atkins Diet (Meat, Eggs, Boiled Guitar Strings)

 

7.

Thickened Feeds a la Alan Thicke

 

6.

Soup-No-Crackaaah

 

5.

S$$$t on a Stick q6h

4.

Dentures Dee-lite with Real Papaya

 

3.

Sips, Chips, & Salsa

2.

Clear Liquids With Something Floating On Top

 

1.

Bill Cosby's Curiously Runny Chocolate Pudding

Top 15 Ways to Cheaply Boost Staff Morale

1.Have all providers go bottomless for the day.

2.Dress as your favorite patient; extra points for mimicking the correct smell.

3.Pretend you are an administrator for the day and do no work.

4.Hide your favorite demented patient and play hide and go seek.

5.Go on an outing to your favorite cemetery and see who can locate the most patients….er, ex-patients.

6.Play the insulin game. Each staff member takes 30 u of regular insulin and see who passes out first. Have plenty of candy or glucagon around.

7.Grease the hallway with Vaseline and see who can slide the farthest. This can also be left on the floor for the rest of the day to see how many patients fall (a cruel but hysterical game).

8.Play Russian roulette with urine containers. Save enough samples of urine and place some apple juice in other ones. See who makes the most mistakes with a taste-testing contest.

9.Have a creative cookie swap with treats that look like different stool samples you have collected over the years.

10.Decorate the office like a morgue and see how many patients it creeps out.

11.Have a Cinco de Pendo Day and have everyone wear adult diapers for the day. Then lock the bathroom door and see who uses them.

12.Give each staff member a list of five annoying patients and have them call their place of work with meaningless questions or angry demands.

13.Have your staff bring their children to work for a day and then set up a fake code to scare them (into never going into the medical field).

14.Invite the hottest drug reps to come in at the same time to compete for your business. This does nothing for your staff but you will love it and your staff can be happy vicariously through you.

15.Hold a monthly potluck day where one member brings in a homemade dish that contains medical marijuana.

 

 1. The patient is unmanageable due to intense

symptom management.

 

2. I just had a KGB cone to check my heart.

 

3. He has flame in his throat.

 

4. The patient has periods confusion

(but no problems with commas?)

5. peanut butter balls (phenobarbital)

6. cadillac arrest

 Left mane disease

 •She’s a COPDer with a significant tabasco history

 •She had postop decomposition

 •Right floor pain

 •Sputum culture: moderate growth normal vaginal flora

 •Admission diagnosis: EtOH Plan: sobriety

 •Slightly calcified unit

 •History of A-fib, new onset

 •Cranial nodes intact

 •Admission diagnosis: suicidal Plan: creative alternatives in am

 •Upon examination of the hospitalist, the patient was nauseous

 •The patient tolerated the procedure well and left the operating room in good position.

 •Allergies: a few

 •Allergies: KNDA

 •Pukomyst

 •His moth has carcinoma

 •ingestion heart failure

 •CPAPnea

 •SocHx: likes to go howling with his friends

•This patient would be a good candidate to be killed in PT

 •Allergies: Cinglair

 •Code was called for patient being found acystic

 •Patient gets dilutional on Paxil

 •He was told to have a heart attack in 1984. Subsequently he was treated with some pills for about a month or two by his family doctor.

 •RN note: Large BM noted, Stage 2 stool noted left cheek

 •blindness and depression in the left eye

 •Order: Patient may go off floor to linen sale with sitter

 •Allergies: statins – severe leg crap

 •V tabulation

 •Admission diagnosis: hyperglycemia, peeing over 5 minutes

 •Please remove Foley at 6am. Notify urology if patient has not voided in 6 months.

 •heroic vomiting

 •parentinitis

 •Chief complaint: kidney attack

 •I immediately assisted the patient while lying supine on the floor

 •high caliber stool

 •He has 2 brothers who are hospital healthy

 •surgery for very close veins

 •chest pain, but only when he walks in Wal-Mart

•I cannot say this with one thousand percent supremacy

 •She has not had any suicidal ideation, yet has prayed that Gold may just take her.

 •Check abd XRay Fat & Upright

 •For low sodium, he will be kept on fluid restriction. He is also on IV hydration. Therefore, he will be kept on fluid restriction and diuretics

 •Eurosepsis

 •She goes for an annual left breast lumpectomy

 •Chief complaint: Overpornation

 •Chief complaint: Dating anatomy

 •COPD exasperation

 •Prostatic mitral valve

 •Review of Systems is notable for partial hospitalization

 •Tridil stopped because of chest pain

 •Order: please DC pt home after dinner paperwork is in chart

 •Protein-pump inhibitors

 •Diabetes type II treated with metformin and hypercholesterolemia

 •Multivitamins coronary artery disease

 •Non-sustained cardiac awareness

 •Reakness

 •In response to a question about foreign travel: I’ve been to Florida and Las Vegas

 •No ambulation because the site is on a cocktail of drips

 •Antiphylaxis with cephalosporins

 •Amarosis fungus R eye

 •Chief Complaint: swallowed ear

 •OD – took 40 bills

 

1. weany from O2

 

2. pericardial construction

 

3. Father = incarcerated

Mother = correctional officer

 

4. Given her severe anemia, I will start her on

160 micrograms of FeSO4 Qweek.

 

5. Trickonosis infected his heart, but resolved

with sulfer

1. Take one compazine suppository

by mouth as needed for nausea

 

2. They took out my cannister last night (Foley)

 

3. Pt is on clonidine, not.

 

4. Elevate head 30%

 

5. Enzymes were CPK of 140 & tricuspid regurgitation 0.8

 

6. Admission dx = Afib with antibiotic impregnated beads

•Analpril 1.25mg Q8hrs (Is that for hyper-sphincter-tension?)

•Nasal packaging

•Nasal fungal cream

•He lives with his finance (So… are you thinking about your patient or the stock market?)

•Retrocele (Now in paisley!)

•Secular aneurysm (Will need intervention from the Surgical Right)

•She is on 93 Liters of oxygen (All of the latest hospital facilities come with wind tunnels)

•Wingworms (Sounds like something from the Princess Bride)

•Bypolor

•He has recently been on both aspirin, Plavix, prednisone, and Coumadin

•“Pain med: “”given”" Where/route: “”in room”" (Well… Thank you Nurse Sherlock)

•Breeding ulcer (No comment… uh… ok, one comment… We should discuss strategies on lower k values.)

•ROS: Unobtainable secondary to patient’s mental status change and I am unable to follow commands. (I bet)

•Chief complaint: Clogged tube (You’re gonna have to be a little more specific)

•Chief complaint: uncontrollable bowel movement (Like that damn pink little bunny with the drums)

•Uncontrolled left labrial cellulitis

•Buttock, lower back, and neck pain from assa (I’m not quite sure what assa is, but it should probably be taken off of the market)

•Chief complaint: Debility

•Pericardial tachycardia

•Reason for ER visit: Dates and anatomy (Dude, now that’s high risk behavior if I ever heard it)

•History of psychoptosis (Doesn’t it sorta suck when your brain explodes?)

•History of bump bleedin

•chronic obesity (As opposed to the much more shocking acute form)

•Will sue high dose furosemide to force diuresis

•Hide-a-scan

•Bi geminis (Not that there’s anything wrong with that… at least if your EF is okay)

•History of grouch in my feet (Grouch, gouch, the gout… it’s all the same)

•Mr. H is an 823-year old Caucasian male patient who was actually transferred here from another hospital.

•Bariatric enema (Every nurse’s nightmare)

Chart Farts

1. We don't know what structurally her heart is doing



2. He has been smoking only 3 or 4 cigarettes

a day since his admission to the hospital.


3. Pt was found to have an apparent suicide node



4. When she finally came to the prescription,

she appeared to be in pulmonary edema


5. ECG notes a complete left beta-blocker


6. The pt was tx'd with Klebsiella and

antibiotics were discontinued