JUST BECAUSE YOUR DOCTOR HAS A NAME FOR YOUR CONDITION DOESN'T MEAN HE KNOWS WHAT IT IS!
There is no vaccine against Stupidity
CUPIDITIS: A debilitating disease afflicting those who suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune every February 14.
Cyberchondriac One who's certain he's/she's got every disease he's/she's ever read about on the internet and then some!
JUST BECAUSE YOUR DOCTOR HAS A NAME FOR YOUR CONDITION DOESN'T MEAN HE KNOWS WHAT IT IS! -
Loquacity A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
Algoraphobia: fear of long-winded speeches expounding on the dire consequences of global warming.
Amengitis: obsession with having the last word.
Arthuritis: the delusion that one is a knight of the Round Table.
Big-Polar disorder: fear of large white bears.
Billious: misgivings about a husband's potential involvement in a possible Hillary presidency.
Blabesiosis: a highly contagious infection spread by motor-mouths.
Burmitis: painful condition due to inflammation of the junta.
Candidoasis: a communicable disease common among frisky hot tub enthusiasts.
Carnal Tunnel Syndrome: quick whoopie at the carnival midway.
Chat-Scratch Fever: known to cause obsessive compulsive pillow-talking.
Chicken Pux: fear of sitting too close to the ice at a hockey game.
Chillbrains: the ice-cream headache.
Damnesia: the only signs are a flushed face induced by the inability to recall offensive things one is known to have said.
Fearache: a pain caused by reading too many aritcles about climate change.
Fibulax: a little white lie that is known to stretch the truth beyond all credulity causing extreme irritation when caught with one's pants down, as in the case of certain high-profile TV evangelists and politicians.
Gastrohenteritis: usually the consequence of consuming a willy whistle at a bachelorette party.
Germane Measles: They're relevant to something, but doctors don't know what.
Gluecoma: what makes your eyelids stick together in the morning.
High brood pressure: one parent is eager for more children; the other isn't.
Homestickness: an early symptom of agoraphobia.
Hypnochondria: You are feeling sick. You are feeling ve-e-ery, ve-e-ery sick.
A GESTICULATING GERM PURPLE BURPLE
Igoraphobia: crippling fear of assistants to mad scientists.
Irritable Vowel Syndrome: You say tomayto and I say tomahto, and I'm right, dammit!
Jockjaw: inability to stop talking about hockey results.
Larryngitis: occurs when U.S. senators overexplain their airport washroom habits.
Lookworm: a parasitic pest over the age of 50 whose eyes are bigger than his head.
Lunchhausen's Syndrome: causes one to upchuck a midday meal in order to avoid having to pay for it.
A GEM OF A GERM SNUFFLE-RUFFLE
Mad Sow Disease: a piggish personality disorder marked by unrealistic expectations of instant stardom, ability to throw frogs through the air with the greatest of ease, or else smothing them with unwanted kisses.
Mal de Mir: a queasy feeling in the stomach after having lived for almost a decade on an old Russian spacecraft without a burger and a real bath.
Mi-polar disorder: intense desire to drive one's flag into the Arctic Ocean floor. (Credit: Rick Farquhar, Kincardine, Ontario)
Mood Poisoning: caused by serotonin-depleting toxins released during front-page newspaper perusal.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Panthrax: commonly known as "dish pan hands".
Pepsic ulcer: stressing over what the bartender really put in your rum and Coke.
Pi-Polar: going around in circles.
Prignancy: bloating, nausea, and general discomfort brought on by spending nine months with a self-righteous person.
Punk-eye: detached retina resulting from too much time in the mosh pit.
Shamburger Disease: causes uncontrollable and excessive flatulation when subjects consume too many patties made from vegetables, nuts, dairy, mushrooms, and textured vegetable protein.
Sherpes: a rash incurred when having sex on high mountains.
Sinfluenza: can be controlled by issuing papal prescriptions.
Spox: a rare deformity of the ears, thought by some researchers to have alien origins. (Credit: Nigel Brachi, Edmonton)
Tackycardia: giving inappropriate cards for all occasions.
The Common Could: maybe you'll catch it, maybe you won't.
Tinsillitis: severe allergic reaction to Christmas commercial excess.
Toonsillitis: synonymous with those who are sick to death of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Roadrunner.
CLAUStrophobia: sheer panic associated with the fear of being eaten alive by a man in a white beard wearing a red suit and a pair of big black hobnailed boots running around yelling "Ho Ho Ho" at the top of his lungs not to mention demanding that people inform him whether they've been naughty or nice for the past year. Note: May also be precipitated by the sight of 4,000 Santas galavanting down the streets of London in the name of charity.
Tinselitis a seasonal disease prevalent among toddlers and house pets who consume one too many Christmas tree decorations for their own good.
Insistent Vegetable State: The mindset of one's mother-in-law, who is deterimined to force those dreaded Brussels sprouts down one's throat.
Premistletoe Tension: The anxiety one feels when one is obliged to walk under the mistletoe close by someone one is either desperate to kiss or desperate not to.
Post-Traumatic Post Disorder: The last postal delivery before Christmas brings a card from a long-lost friend, and the realization, to one's horror, that one hasn't reciprocated.
Repetitive Straying Injury: Trauma suffered by males who repeatedly leave their partner's side and position themselves under the misletoe. The end result is a pain in the groin caused by the knee of one's affronted partner.
Whiplush: injury to the neck from falling off a bar stool.
Winkeye a treatable optical aberration commonly observed in singles bars.
Winsanity: a belief that one can live on the avails of gambling.
Yaundice: fatigue arising from a lack of interest.
When John complained about bucked shins, saddle sores, and wind puffs he had no idea he would end up in a horspital.
Ways people can tell that this physician just isn't the right one for them, besides the "Dipploma" written in pig Latin hanging on the wall in the waiting room) that leaves one a tad nervous.
His surgical gloves resemble those worn by a hockey goalie and his stethoscope is attached to a puck or an iPod."
Even the hypochondriacs won't go to him.
You peek into his autoclave, and discover he's using it to steam broccoli."
The sign on the reception desk lists the day's choicaes for feature-length movies playing in waiting rooms 5, 6, and 7.
He/she orders you to sit!, gives you a treat, and explains that a wet nose means you're healthy.