Avoiding Colds.

● Antibacterial gels are an excellent method of killing viruses and bacteria where they do the most harm. During cold and flu season, give two squirts four times a day into each nostril. 

● Sometimes washing your hands can be hard to remember. Maybe if you weren't such a retard.

● Whenever possible, hire a manservant to open doors and stuff for you. Where you're from, that's what minorities are for. 

● Keep in mind that airborne "droplets" are the most common way colds are spread for most people, but for you, it's the fecal-oral route. It's like, analingus may be fun and all, but really. (Flying to Ireland on Aer Lingus, however, is acceptable.) 

● Germs can live for days on dishes and silverware. That's why it's recommended that you mix a quarter-cup of hydrogen peroxide with anything you eat or drink.

● Whenever you sneeze, you're basically releasing a cloud of particles containing of millions of infectious agents into the air at over 100 MPH. Thanks a lot, douchebag.

● Like humans and animals, computers can also become "infected" with "viruses"; if that happens, they too should be "shot" and "killed".

● In public, it's perfectly fine for you to wear a surgical mask and latex gloves at all times, as everyone's already quite aware you're a loser.

● "Double-dipping" into the salsa during a friendly get-together or game is probably not the best thing to do, since germs might be spread during subsequent "dips." The same goes for "double-dipping" during group sex.

● When cold symptoms first appear, it's imperative that you head straight to your doctor's office, because, you know, you've never had a freakin' cold before. 

● If you do catch a severe cold, remember that more than half the people in your age group survive these kinds of illness.