You know you’re an ER nurse when…

 


Emergency nurses are a truly special breed. Armed with a “unique” sense of humor, bladders that confound the laws of nature, and personalities that are anything but shy — ER nurses are hard to miss in the hospital crowd! Here is a list of ten more telling characteristics, written by an ER nurse.




You know you’re an ER nurse when…


10. People come up to you in the grocery store and say, “Remember that problem I had down there? It’s better.”

9. You use a graduate to drink water when you can’t find a cup.

8. You talk on the phone, take verbal orders from the MD and answer questions from nurses all at the same time.

7. You can finish eating your slice of pizza after cleaning up puke and think nothing of it.

6. Eating out of an emesis basin is no big deal.

5. Patients call to ask if you’re working.

4. Giving a bed bath entails picking out maggots from between the patient’s toes.

3. You put a tube in every orifice and the biggest Jelco in an obnoxious, passed-out drunk who’s puked and slobbered on you for the last hour.

2. In triage you ask, “And when was the last time you gave this child Tylenol/Motrin?” because you know it wasn’t given at all.

1. A patient comes in and thanks you for saving his life last week.




 

10 rules for nursing students


Devoted readers, here is my very own list of rules for nursing students, originally compiled sometime during my third semester.


To wit:


1. Type everything. Instructors prefer typed documents.


It’s easier, of course, to jimmy handwriting so that you take up the requisite five pages, which is why instructors prefer typing. It’s also nice to be able to read what somebody wrote without having to decipher hieroglyphics for hours. Contrary to popular belief, most nurses have handwriting just as bad as that of most doctors.


2. Handwrite everything. Instructors prefer to see your handwriting.


Or, as one particularly flaky instructor told me, “I like to get a feeeeel for what you’re doing.”


3. Concentrate on textbook learning; you’ll learn skills in your graduate internship.


Not a bad piece of advice, especially if you have an internship like mine: heavy on tests for the first three weeks.


4. Concentrate on skills; you won’t have time to learn them at your first job.


Foleys and IVs are all you really need to know. A trained monkey can do a dressing change. Really.


5. You will always have one instructor who is totally, completely, inarguably from Mars. Deal with it.


My “From Mars” moment came in a classroom discussion of ethics and the nursing shortage in our last semester, when one of the instructors on the team told us that the reason for the nursing shortage was that “we’ve aborted a third of our population since 1973.” Everybody, for some reason, turned and looked right at me. I said nothing, preferring to marvel at the clear transmission she achieved even while orbiting somewhere outside the Van Allen Belt.


Doctor shopping –>


6. One in 10 of your female classmates is looking to meet a doctor. One in 10 of your male classmates might be, too. Deal with it.


Not much you can do about that one, unfortunately. The most you can hope for is that she’ll leave the plum job she gets as soon as she meets a likely resident, leaving the position open for you.


Before anybody accuses me of stereotyping or downing young female nurses, may I present the following evidence? Out of 19 female classmates, one was in nursing school so her husband would “get off her back” about getting a job. She was pregnant at the beginning of our last semester. Another two were self-professed doctor-hunters. A fourth was admittedly in it for the money, and took a job at a pediatric clinic with the expectation that it would be low work/high pay (heh). A fifth was “drifting,” in her own words, and didn’t know if she’d actually use the degree or take up crystal healing.


Is it any wonder I was valedictorian of my class?


7. You will have no life for two to four years. Don’t worry. It’ll still be there when you get back.


I swear. Really. Honest. You’ll be able to sleep and get haircuts and go dancing and everything.


8. Everybody thinks they flunked the NCLEX. Few people actually do. Go ahead and get blasted anyhow.

9. Yes, you do look dorky in those whites.

The good news –>


10. No matter how bad things are now, they will end. You will eventually be a nurse, subject to redefining hell. Of course, you’ll also redefine happiness.


 

You know you’re an ICU nurse when…

 


Are you stuck hanging blood and plasma? Right. It must be lunch time! The life of an ICU nurse is captured in this top ten list.



You know you’re an ICU nurse when…


10. You dread the new resident rotation.


9. You’re used to not using the bathroom in a 12-hour shift.


8. You tell the resident what orders to write.


7. You eat in between hanging blood and plasma.


6. You don’t have a medical degree, but you know the diagnosis and treatment for your patient.


5. You’re there when the code 99 is over before the doctor gets to the room.


4. You’re not afraid to stand up to anyone.


3. Your job is stressful and all you’re afraid of is the thought of cutting people’s hair.


2. You develop really sick humor.


1. You go in to work for your shift and you’re not overwhelmed—it is what it is.



 

A translation guide for physician-speak

 


Are you a new nurse? Do you find yourself bewildered by doctor-speak? Don’t panic! Auntie Jo has your translation guide right here.


Physician: “This will feel like a pinch.”


Translation: “This will feel like I’m shooting you with a small-caliber handgun in slow motion.”


Physician: “The patient presents with an interesting medical history…”


Translation: ”Way too much to go into here; check out the previous doctor’s dictation.”


Physician: “….With certain factitious elements.”


Translation: “Munchausen.”


Physician: “The patient is an extremely pleasant middle-aged man.”


Translation: ”The patient talks a lot.”


Physician: “The patient has a good fund of general knowledge”


Translation: ”She reads more than I do.”


Physician: “Every four hours around the clock.”


Translation: ”This person won’t take pain medicine and needs to be encouraged to do so.”


Physician: “Emphasize proper follow-up care.”


Translation: ”This person came to see me four years ago and I haven’t seen her since.”


Physician: “There will be moderate discomfort.”


Translation: ”This procedure will hurt like blazes.”


Physician: “Patient states…”


Translation: ”I can’t possibly do justice to what he just said.”


Physician: “Walk TID with Nursing.”


Translation: ”Good luck getting her out of bed.”


Physician: “Nursing to provide education on…”


Translation: ”Good God, I’m pressed for time.”


Physician: “Proper diet and exercise regimen was encouraged.”


Translation: ”Please, Nursing, go over the ADA diet again. Thanks.”


Physician: “The patient prevents with sociopathic elephants and compliance of derriere spoonerisms.”


Translation: ”This was the transcriptionist’s first day on the job.”



 

 

Nurse confessions!

 


Did you ever play “Never have I ever…” back in college?

 


Never have I ever stolen someone's lunch out of the breakroom.

 


Never have I ever snuck off for a nap on my shift.

 


Never have I ever used a scalpel to cut cake at work.

 

Never have I ever parked in the space with the “physicians only” sign… and knocked it over.

 

 

Never have I ever used a tongue depressor as an eating utensil.

 

 

Never have I ever eaten microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan.

 Never have I ever placed a bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.

 

Never have I ever told a confused patient that your name is that of a coworker and to call if they need help.




Never have I ever discussed dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

 Never have I ever had a favorite patient pass away.

 

Never have I ever had a patient look me straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

 

Never have I ever had to quickly leave a patient’s room before I begin to laugh uncontrollably.

 

Never have I ever developed a relationship with a patient outside of the hospital.

 

Never have I ever messed around with a coworker in a utility room, closet, sleep room, etc.

 

Never have I ever done CPR on a child.

 

Never have I ever had to change my scrubs while at work because I was soaked with bodily fluids.

 

Never have I ever cursed out a doctor—to his face.

 Never have I ever clogged a toilet at the hospital.

 

Never have I ever washed my hands so much my fingers cracked open.

 

Never have I ever stolen a coworker’s pen I’d been eyeing.

 

Never have I ever given a patient a sedative just so I could have a relaxing few hours of the shift.

 

Never have I ever eaten a brownie and homemade chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

 

Never have I ever made up a reason to call the resident I had a crush on—in the middle of the night.

Never have I ever had to put a patient in four-point restraints.

 Never have I ever had to perform postmortem care on a patient I cared for.

 Never have I ever given a PO dose of medication through an IV.

 

Never have I ever had a patient tell me he was getting turned on when I put a foley catheter in him.

 Never have I ever been so completely grossed out by something that I had to leave the room to throw up.

 

Never have I ever passed out during an invasive procedure.

 

Never have I ever been hit or kicked by a patient.

 

Never have I ever done CPR to a stranger in public.

 

Never have I ever gone a full 12 hours without peeing even once.

 

Never have I ever been the first person in the room after my patient found out they had terminal cancer.

 

Never have I ever consoled a parent after their child passed away.

 

Never have I ever been sexually harassed at work.

 

Never have I ever fallen asleep during a shift.

 

Never have I ever taken care of a famous patient and violated HIPAA to tell my friends about it later.

 

Never have I ever had a huge crush on a married attending physician.

 

Never have I ever awakened on Christmas morning thankful that although I had to work, I didn’t have to be a patient on that holiday.

 

Never have I ever played with organs in a cadaver lab.

 

 You know you're a nurse if you would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

 Holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. Your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them; they are the tools of the human body.

To take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. It is to link yourself to another, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone.