Two Patients:

Two patients limp into two different hospitals with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

 

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

 

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.

 

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

 

Next time take me to a vet!

 

*WOOF*

 A Chemist at A Pharmacy:

 

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

 

“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist

 

The chemist replies, “That’s it, I can never remember that word!”

 Ambulance:

 

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help

 

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

 

Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

Mama's Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The 1st said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The 2nd said, "I had a $100,000 theatre built in the house."

The 3rd said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The 4th said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore, because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture; just the same.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

Luv Ya, Mama

A Rabbi walks over to a nurse at the Hospital and said “Hello Nurse, I got a call that a patient wants to see me but I can’t remember who it was.”The nurse takes a guess and walks into a patients room, wakes her up, and asks “Did you ask for a Rabbi?”

“No” the patient says sleepily “I ordered the chef’s salad”

Bachelor Cooks

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."

Health Care Reform

Whether you are for or against it:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to lawmakers on Capital Hill in Washington, who talk out of their rear-ends!

Heart Surgeon

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Gift Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.

Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

Difference Between Men & Women

 

Haircut

Woman #1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman #2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman #1: Oh, no! It’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff, I think.

Woman #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute, I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman #1: Oh, that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

And now, the conversation between men about their hair cuts:

Man #1: Haircut?

Man #2: Yeah.

Pay for It

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

Future

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happy

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Wake Up

Men wake up thinking they look as good in the morning as when they went to bed. Women wake up feeling they somehow deteriorated during the night.

Change

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

Understand

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

Last Word

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument