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Fa1. On a busy med-surg floor, the doctor stopped to brief me on a patient’s condition: “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.”
The doctor then began listing orders: “You must give an injection in a different location every 20 minutes, followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour, followed by one pill every 15 minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than 10 ounces of water every 25 minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for 15 minutes, then place ice for 10 minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every 30 minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every 20 minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”
The doctor left and I entered the patient’s room. I was greeted by anxious family members and an equally anxious patient. All quickly asked what the doctor had said about the patient. I stated, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, I added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”
2. The nurse brought a lunch tray to Norman Cousins, who was in a hospital “laughing his way to wellness.” The nurse also brought Mr. Cousins one of those glasses used for urine specimens, saying that when convenient,he should put a specimen in the glass and she’dpick it up when she came back to pick up the tray. Mr. Cousins, seeing some apple juice on the tray, put two and two together, and poured the juice in the specimen glass. The nurse came back and picked up the specimen, held it up to the light and said, “Mr. Cousins, this looks a little off. The color doesn’t seem quite right. Are you feeling okay?” Mr. Cousins reached out his hand for the glass and said, “Here, let me look.”
After looking at it, he said, “Okay, I’ll run it through again,” then drank it. The nurse fainted.
3. What’s the difference between Mother Teresa and a nurse? Mother Teresa only has to serve one God.
4. Q: How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just have a nursing student do it.
5. A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”
6. A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
The nurse asked to see the jelly and the man produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
7. Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”
8. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
9. A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ lounge that said: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.” Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”
10. It’s hard to live with a nurse because…
When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.
Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because he doesn’t want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday he’s had off in years.
You’ve been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.