The top funniest explanations your patients have given you

 

1. An elderly woman came in because she had “fireballs of the universe.” She was very insistent! It took us a few to realize she had fibroids of the uterus!

 

2. Working a 28-day MICA program, we had to check in all belongings, since it’s an addiction unit. Imagine our surprise when we found a bunch of Viagra that a female patient had on check-in! When asked, she responded, “I’ll be damned if my ol’ man is going to be out cheating while I’m in here!” LOL! Sounded quite logical to us.

 

3. I had a patient refuse to use her O2 for fear of “getting addicted.” I told her, “Hon, that happened the second you were born; hold your breath and see how long you can go without it. Now put it on please?” She did!

 

4. In the ER, a patient came in with a carrot inside his rectum. When asked to explain, he said, “I fell over in the garden.”

 

5. Cardiologist to patient: “You need to quit smoking.”

 Patient to cardiologist: “I will quit smoking 10 minutes after I am cremated.”

 Too funny. I don’t think the doc liked it too much…

 

6. I got a call from our local 911 dispatch stating that they had my patient on the phone, requesting a ride home. When I went back to her room and asked her why she would call them, she said it was because that’s how she got to the hospital, and figured that’s how she’d get home, too. I was thinking to myself, “Reeeeeeaaaaaally?”

 

7. A patient who tested positive for cocaine said she was cleaning her bathroom and the cocaine must have been in the Comet…oh lordy.

 

8. I had a young male TBI patient saying that his sprinkler was sprinkling. I lifted up his sheet and noticed he was urinating…yep, his sprinkler was sprinkling all right.

 

9. In the NICU we had lots of transports from a smaller town in a neighboring state. I asked a young mother one time why we had so many babies from there. She said, “Well, we don’t have cable.”