charlita, you're an enabler and until you say no and make it stick, he's going to keep on coming back and he won't change.

Char this is a tough one. May I suggest that if he needs a place to stay and food to eat, then do as they use to do back in the day, take him on as a hired hand. He works for a place to sleep and food to eat. Get him a cot and a sleeping bag and set him up in the garage. He must perform at least 8 hours of work per day except for Saturday and Sunday and he must be up when the first person of the house gets up. He may not enter the house without permission, not unless he is to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen to drink water, the refrigerator and cabinets are off limits. His personal space is the area where his cot rest on, everything else is "use by permission." I bet you that there is allot of work that you need done around the house... He gets paid $60 per week and payday is on Friday after work, no work no pay, his curfew is 9P, he must be in bed by 9P from Sunday night to Thursday night without question. Friday night he must be in by 11P and on Saturday, he must leave the house by 9A and not return until 5P for supper, he may leave again but must be in the house by 11P. On Sunday, he must attend church service (which ever church he prefers), after church, he may visit you in the house, eat lunch and then he must also pay a visit to a park or attend a social event that does not involve you. I know this sounds strict kind of tough love, but this is will help him be responsible for himself and expand his horizons to improve his condition.

Thank you all for your comments. Al yours made me laugh. He is 34 years old. He has a good job as a cook in an upscale restaurant. He is going to pay us (this time) to live here. He's been through alot, was into drugs for awhile, but is getting himself together finally. I can't just say no to him. If he and my husband could get along it would make things alot better. I guess I'll just hope for the best . He hates being here too. I'll keep you posted. dmazment-it's so easy to tell someone else what to do but unless you're in their situation you can't really understand it. (I knew someone would say what you did.) To me everything is not so cut and dried. I wish it were. For me most things lie in that gray muddled area between .

There's more to this story: my first child-a daughter, died at the age of 4 from Leukemia. Jody came along 2 years later and I spoiled him rotten. I admit it. I was so afraid something was going to happen to him. When he was a baby, I'd hold him all day long, afraid to put him down. Once, when I took his tee shirt off, there were red streaks running down his chest . I freaked. Turns out his red popsickle had dripped on him. So I contributed to this problem.That being said, I'm at the point in my life where I don't want or need all this aggravation.

You may or may not be contributing to the problem. Your husband and your son need to work out a peaceable solution for your sake. If they both love you, they might be willing to do this. My daughter still lives at home, she is 28, She is a contributor to the household financially, spiritually and chore wise. Not everyone can live with their parent or children. Is your son there to mooch or to get his legs under him. I agree he should follow the house rules But you need to do what is comfortable and healthy for you. it is easy for us to tell you what to do, not for us to do it. Could you renegotiate the contract at the end of six months? Have him pay rent, phone, laundry services, etc. make it a business contract. Only you know what limits you are capable of setting and adhereing to. It is the adhereing to that is the hardest for me. hang in there and e-mail me if you just want to vent and not get the purely "free" advice. And tell your son that some time in the future it is going to be his responsibility to take care of you

charlita said:

There's more to this story: my first child-a daughter, died at the age of 4 from Leukemia. Jody came along 2 years later and I spoiled him rotten. I admit it. I was so afraid something was going to happen to him. When he was a baby, I'd hold him all day long, afraid to put him down. Once, when I took his tee shirt off, there were red streaks running down his chest . I freaked. Turns out his red popsickle had dripped on him. So I contributed to this problem.That being said, I'm at the point in my life where I don't want or need all this aggravation.

Sandy52 said:

Just another thought. Is your husband jealous of the time you spend with your son?

Honey, I feel for you. My oldest son is 31, a father and a paramedic making good money. Whenever he and his wife have an argument or run short of money, he would always run to his grandfather (my dad). Well, granddaddy died in November of 2007 so now he's trying his game on his grandmother (she'll be 90 next month). I was a little smarter with her as I'm her power of attorney and she has no access to her financial assets which means that his stories are falling on very deaf ears. Children, either at home or away, can get to you. I've had to get tough with my son and tell him, frankly, that the money tree died!

charlita....I hear you and I understand you. I am speaking from the same side as your son. I have gone home a number of times ...I didnt want to...but I felt I had little other options . My dad and I ( as Kendbeef commented about the step-dad / child relstionship) are like oil and water. I came from a home where mom is permissive and dad is strict. My house, my rules ...my dad will tell you. When I come home ( hopefully not for a longgggg time or never again) the tention is palpable. So , for me , It is a last resort to come home. DMAZMENT is correct , sorry to say, about being an enabler. Also , if He has any respect for you... He will acknowlege and try to leave in the Six month time period that you have set .

Charlita... follow your heart and your gut instincts... they will serve you well. It is very tough to see someone you love and are committed to hurting. In the end, it is your choice to make on wether to allow your adult child to stay at YOUR home. It is YOUR home now that he is an adult. You have my sympathies.... and feel free to write me if you want. I have empathy and strong broad shoulders to lean on. :)

TOUGH LOVE!!! That is the way to go! My parent made me leave home when I have 19years old. I graduated high school but got involed with going out every night I didn't work. So they gave me 6 months to get a job or go back to school or i was out! My parent would never kick me out, no way! Yeah thats what I thought. Well my dead line came and i was out! My mom was not joking. It was that that turned my life around and made me be the responsable person I am now. Yes I didn't speak to them for awhile but after I figured out what she had done for me. It was the best thing that happen to me!!!
My mother is law is going through that now her oldest son is back living with her, he is 42 years old. he thinks he can live for free, don't do anything around the house to help her or my handicapfather in law. He works side jobs here and there just to put money in his pocket. He lives off of girlfriends. Hey look at it this way why work or move out! I have it made. I have a warm spot to sleep, food. I can come and go as I please. why should i move out!!!!!!!!! Where is the taking responsablity for there own life. paying there own way. Your not gonna be around forever! what is he gonna do when your gone????
Don't get me wrong I have 2 boys and 2 girls, and they tell me all the time they are never going to move out! They are also young! but my house my rules!! I don't ever want to tell my kids they have to leave but if it is what is best for them. then i have to do what i have to do!! If they are gonna live here they will pay there way and not that i need there money but you can't live for free. And yes you are not crashing on my couch, and you will be home by midnight! sorry I am not gonna stay up all night worried about if your ok or not! I did that long enough!!!
This is also the time that you and your mate should be living for just the 2 of you. not fighting over kids anymore!!!

good idea ctrum6414