I have a now 15 year old step-son, who runs to his mom each time there is something said or done here in any manner *he* doesn't care for. Normally I wouldn't let this bother me, except now, his mother has come over (while I was gone to work) to talk to my husband, and complain about how I am "mistreating" the kids. I try my best (with exceptions of course) to treat my kids, step-child or not, as fairly as I can. I have three teens: 17 1/2, 15, and 14. They all have age apporpriate rules, and privileges, but otherwise I don't want one thinking that I "love" one more than the other.

I feel that I am somewhat limited as to what I can expect from my step-children though, as although my rules don't change, expectations are not set as high as they are when it comes to my own child(ren)...tiny ones not included (two tots). Now I feel guilty because my step-son and I had a rather loud dispute a couple of weeks ago, and his mom is essentially accusing me of borderline abuse. I feel that he's playing both sides against each other, but I am having a difficult time proving this. And now my husband is put in between his ex-wife, and child, and his new wife. Anyone got any suggestions?

I have suggested this to my husband already, unfortunately things are slower moving here with this sort of thing...can't imagine he wants to deal with this really. I used to get a long really well with their mother, however, we don't see eye to eye anymore. I feel that she wants to be the kids' friend, before a parent, and I'm the opposite. I understand that kids need to be kids, but there ARE rules. You don't have to like them, just respect them.

My daughter (1st marriage) was the same, she played me against Barb (step mom) and both of us against her real mom. The simplest of rules was a problem for her, and they were more lax than the rules for our kids. When I roll the clock back to when Holly was small, I can remember her testing the waters with Barb, then running home to mom and "embellishing" the story. That then turned into a confrontation between Barb and the ex + the ex's live in looser. It got so stupid at times, the ex and her BF would call me complaining about what "we" were doing to Holly and how she was "such a little bitch" after she was with us.
Yes, we were the ones that "did nothing for her" yeah right, if I was on shift for a weekend, Barb would still "take her" for my weekend visitation, buy her clothes, paid for her summer camp, taught her to bake. yup, we did nothing LOL.
You can't win Damomb, no matter how hard you try, you will still be wrong. That doesn't mean let the kids overrun you, but the ocaissional tongue bite begins to hurt.

My step daughters are grown now. They never lived with us. I on several occasions had a very hard time keeping my mouth shut about a few things. I have a very good relationship with both of them today.
You need to stick to your rules. The kids will respect you for laying down rules and sticking with them. You do need the help/support of your husband. Dmaz has an excellent idea of the three of you sitting down together. I would go one step further and suggest that her husband be there and that you all four go to a family counselor. There are some very affordable counselors.

If you are unable to go to a counselor, all four parents, then perhaps you and your husband could go. Children need to see a united front. They will sense division. My husband and I have a rule between us that if one parent says something, even if we disagree, we will not show this to our children . We will discuss it latter, privately. Rules are necessary in a house hold. Stick to what you believe.

Oh how I feel your pain!!! Kids don't understand until they're parents themselves why and how we worry.
Have you sat down with just him and talked? You are doing a great job here. My goodness...... it's hard to have kids these days. My daughter called her step mom the step monster, my step kids (long ago) did the same with me.
I know when Sharon visited her dad and her step mom (we called her, her other mom).... she would come home and try to have me gang up on them. No way!!!! Even if I had to bite my lip, I would never bad mouth them.
I called her dad and told him her "concerns) so he would have a heads up. He did the same with me.
Before Sharon passed away she called all of us her parents. No "step" was there. This gives me hope for you too.
I always try to "pick my battles"...... talk to him and tell him your heart hurts over this and see what he says.
Good luck too!!!! God bless all of ya.

My offer still stands for them to come home with me for a weekend!!!! They ain't seen nothin' yet....

Thank you all so much for your support. I'm certain that this is going to be a long on-going process. I knew getting into the marriage though, that these two children were a part of the package. Maybe I was a bit too euphoric about the whole thing...I always wanted four children...now I have five...the "perfect" husband, etc, etc...

I just want to get over this. I would like for my husband to not seemingly "side" with his ex-wife...THAT makes me look like the step-monster!

My thought this past week after church was for me to go in and talk to one of my pastors ALONE, so that they could get an idea of where I'm coming from, and then get Pete in on it. Maybe a highly respected neutral party might get him to open his eyes a little bit more.

I have three daughters from my first marriage ages 23,21 and 18. In July of 07 I married a man with a then 17 year old daughter. She has given us problems from day one. While we were on our honeymoon she disappeared from the house with a 42 years old friend of my husband. They claim that nothing sexual happened but it caused my husband to lose all trust for her and ruined the last two days of our honeymoon because he was so angry with her. He called her every few hours and worried and fumed about it. when we got home she caught hell and was grounded. She was caught sneaking out of the house twice and caught in lies numerous times. Finally in October after my husband caught her her in a lie about where she had been all night he decided to try and scare her into obedience. He told her to pick a place and he would take her there or else he was going to just drop her off somewhere. She did not pick a place so he dropped her off he called her 30 minutes later and she was crying but did not asked to be picked up. He talked to her again 30 minutes later and she hung up on him. Then she disappeared. We did not hear from her for three months, we feared the worst. We knew she had been within a block of the house the night he dropped her off because we could track her phone, but she threw it out after that day. Three months to the day that she disappeared and two months after she turned 18 she shows up at the door with the police. Police who were supposed to call us if she turned up and keep her in their custody. Long story short she is pregnant and living with her boyfriend. She shows up when she wants something. She put her dad and I through hell, her behavior almost ruined my marriage and if she were not pregnant I would kick her ass. LOL We found out later that she had told other people that she was going to run away when she turned 18. So she would have left eventually even if he had not dropped her off that night. Things are better now between my husband and I and we are all working on our relationships with his daughter. I plan on giving her a baby shower and if she decides to leave the boyfriend she can live here with us again. I really don't want her back here the tensions would be too much to deal with.

I am so glad to hear that I am NOT ALONE in many of these experiences. upmcnurse, I feel for you, and will keep you, your husband, your daughter, and soon-to-arrive grandchild in my prayers! My two weeks of solitude is almost at an end. The determination of whether or not my step-son resumes his visits here in our house is soon to come, and I am feeling the pressure. I know it may sound childish, but I feel as though it all rides on me. I can't bring myself to "pamper" him the way he wants. I don't even "pamper" my own children. I let them know that I love them, and in my own way, they all get spoiled, but not to the point that they think thast the world revoles around them - which is where HE is at right now. Of course his mother thinks the same way. The woman spends way too much time trying to be their FRIEND, and it makes it so very tough here.

I told my husband that I'm not going to lower my expectations, and that if we couldn't find a way to work things out I'd consider divorce. As much as I don't want to walk down that path, I'd do it to keep my own children from being influenced at all by my step-son's string pulling behavior. I think that my husband just figures that if I cool down, after awhile I'm going to forget about all of this, because he avoids talking about things everytime I try to bring them up now. I'm very frustrated. I plan to schedule a meeting with one of my pastors after the holiday, at least maybe then I can get some input from someone who mildly interacts with the entire family. Short of considering a "break", I'm not sure what to do.

OK, so it's been almost 3 weeks (with the exception of Easter Sunday for a few hours) since my husband has seen his son. He's chosen to stay at home with his mom. My step-daughter however, came over here last week, and spent time here (almost a week and a half!), and it was like nothing was even wrong! What a wonderful week! My husband has not initiated anything yet though...he mentioned something to him on Sunday, but we've not heard anything from him thus far. I've been asking him EVERYDAY.

The other thing I've noticed, but it came to me again today was that when the kids are here, they call their mom 3, 4, 5 times per week...no big deal, honest. I'm all for keeping the kids in good standings and with strong relationships , but when they're at their mom's house, they NEVER call here....unless they want something! Go figure.

Been there done that. AS some of you may know I have three sons 27,25.20 I also have three step sons now 18, 17, 15 first it was well if your boys meaning mine wouldnt do this or that mine wouldnt be doing this mind you all these boys have beem together since my oldest was 14,12, 6 they were 7,8,6. The ex wife didnt like the ex girlfriend even though there were half brothers involved. Every weekend holiday vacation who were they with? Us. The ex wife would disrespect my childeren the ex girlfriend would bad mouth the ex wife my boys would get after little ones for destroying there things because mine were taught to share but they were not  the rule was whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine. The was never do you mind it was friday is here so your watchen them. Holidays was a nightmare because if the older boys were getting something more special than the little ones it was you like them better. Well excuse me I raise my boys I provide for my boys so as long as there daddy isnt paying for what my boys are getting whats it your bussiness. Never to this day have I allowed my boyfriend to spend his money on my childeren. Just a few weeks ago I spent some money on Julian my money I worked for it Steven my step son says well my birthdays coming up why you spending so much money on Julian he tells this to his mother she calls me up says ya Steven said you spent alot of money on Julian you gonna spend that much on steven, no disrespect to anybody please I said you have got to be out of your mind. Well it bothers steven when he sees you buying stuff for Julian. Ok you get child support they all do they get birthday and holidays my boys didnt get child support and my boyfriend who has been with us for 13yrs did not buy anything that my boys needed I payed the rent I bought the food I payed the bills and I provided clothes on my childerens back why should I spend and what business is it what I do with my money. Please. Selfish disrespectful woman. And you know what my boys arguyed with me alot when they were growing up because I always tryed to be understanding work with both the moms and they still the exs couldnt show respect to me and my boys would be furris they would say why do you put up with them. It not easy and is usally a no win situation causes your dammed if you do and dammed if you dont.

I get to be the wicked step-mother yet again before too long....I can feel it coming on.  I was just on the computer and looking at all of the kids grades.  I am just appalled!  I know that this is really going to sound biased to most, so I am only going to state just the facts first.  My son Jayde, a freshman in high school this year (the youngest of the three teens), is taking honors courses in English Science and Math, a foreign language, and a music class (both of which I have told him if are available to him every year are non-negotiable).  He's got 3 A's and 3 B's for a GPA of 3.780 right now.  He is trying really hard to raise that to a 3.9 minimum, because he says he wants the academic letter.  He's in the yearbook club, on the cross country team, and has petitioned to be accepted into the junior honor society...he's behaviorally still a typical teenaged boy, but goddness, what more could a parent ask for here, right?!  I'm VERY proud of him.

My step-son, a sophomore this year (the middle child of the three), was in honors math until he found out that he only needs two math credits to graduate - he almost got away with dropping math altogether this year, but is taking a basic math class instead - kinda seems like a step backward to me.  He also takes classes like wood shop...nothing remotely challenging really.  He is getting a couple of A's, a couple of B's, and a D.  His GPA is 2.630 right now.  He participates in NO extracurricular school activity or club of any sort.

My step-daughter, a senior this year, is essentially the same as my step-son.  She has not yet applied for ANY colleges, and has told me that she doesn't know if she even want to go to college.  Her grades consist of a couple of A's, C's and D's, with a current GPA of 2.336.  She is participating in winter guard (color guard in the winter months) for an extracurricular school activity, and continues to hold her part time job.  She has suggested she might quit (the part-time job), and go to work for her mother at a group respite home. 

I just want to scream.  I am not a best friend, nor at this point in their lives do I want to be...my job is to prepare them to survive on their own.  I'm not saying that the grades are the end all be all, but it sure seems to be a fairly clear indication to me where everyone else's priorities are.   These guys aren't struggling...they aren't unintelligent children by ANY stretch of the imagination!  So why is it that their lack of initiative and hard work, are not met with higher expectatons? They are seemingly not held accountable.

The step-kids are more concerned with what new cell phone they're going to get than whether or not their schoolwork is completed appropriately.  I would like to talk this out with my husband, but I know that he's going to let it "all slide" as usual, because he doesn't want to risk pissing off his kids!  I'm tempted to tell them no more cell phones/"going out"(movies, friends houses, etc.), while they are here in this house, until the grades come up.  I don't think it's unreasonable...am I just a "Cruella" in disguise?  What would you all do?