"Really, in the end, the only thing that an make you a writer is the person that you are, the intensity of your feeling, the honesty of your vision, the unsentimental acknowledgement of the endless interest of the life around you and within you. Virtually nobody can help you deliberately-many people will help you unintentionally."
--Santha Rama Rau

DARE I BE SO BRAVE AS TO PRESENT MY HEART'S TRUTH

I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. I AM NOBODY AND I AM YOU! At the age of a half-century, as in being fifty, as in being a "half-century grrl," I do not know who or what I really am! I know the socio-cultural definitions of me. I do realize that I am female by my accoutrements (god, I love that word!)
I am visibly Black as the culture and society denotes "Black" and ironically its invisibility. I am overweight...well right now, but any moment I will be a size 8.

I am attractive. I am a mother, a wife, an RN, an actor, a comedian (I recently heard it's better to state that I'm a Humorist") a writer, a stereotype, an affront.

At times, I am successful and not successful. Thanks to my daughter, Nakia and son-in law, Armond, I am a grandmother (OMG!)

I am a once divorced now firmly (well firm for me considering my past relationship; firm in the sense that I have gained over 50 additional pounds in almost twenty years of marriage!) a married woman.
I am a WOMAN!
And, most definitely Simone de Beauvoir's "other."

I am intellectually gifted, yet economically wanting. I am middle class with aspirations and surely, delusions of grandeur.

I see the reflection of my supposed self when my selves bounce off the faces of others. My 'self' being who they think I am and I what I am.

Still, I do not see 'myself'--just their experience of me that lends itself to their definition of me; and this philosphy comes to mind:
"believe nothing
no matter where you read it
or who has said it
not even if I have said it,
unless it agrees with
your own reason and
your own common sense."
-- Buddha

I've spent a lot of time thinking that everyone else was doing something better, being more right, living a perfect life, or just different from me, but in the right way. It is comparable to the feeling you have in high school when you think (erroneously) that everyone is smarter, more creative, and better situated with the teacher, hanging with the right crowd and just generally doing everything better than you.
I was wrong.

My collage is authentic. The symmetry is in my continued existence and in thinking against oneself, and for oneself. It is my hope that this type of confessional piece validates this work as multidimensional and not just a self-indulgent, sentimental memoir.
My global contention is that knowledge, intelligence, and wisdom are bits of invisible "stuff" that we snatch, catch, and latch onto in our respective journeys.

In these writings and the birth of this book, I have deepened my relationship not only with myself, but to individuals and the world around me.
The taste, (yeah, I know I said the taste of people!) the smell, the sight of people and their person for me is more intense now and even more...'poetic.'
At this half-century mark, as a half-century grrl, I have allowed myself the fullest possibility of individual existence.

In the first half-century of my life I have learned that there really are no rules in life and no borders, other than the ones we set up ourselves to fend off chaos and protect our weaknesses. I have learned that everything here on this planet is collective illusion.
We do create our own world!
We are our own truth.
I strive for truth...mine and yours.

"How many cares one
loses when one decides
not to be something but
to be someone."
--Coco Chanel
(This excerpt was edited and formatted to fit this posting space)

Adrienne

There is nothing left to say except "WOW"

I agree, Adrienne is really something isn't she?