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Good clean laughs

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Posted about 5 years ago

 

 This one was so cute, I had to share it. It makes me laugh every time.


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  A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

 Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him and he did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

 The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

 After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." 


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Nana_and_grandkids_minus_noah_max50

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cute!

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Very good.

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Here is another funny one:


  <!--StartFragment-->The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?


'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'


'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'


'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' <!--EndFragment-->


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Rate This | Posted about 5 years ago

 

busyrn: that is one of my favorits.

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Rate This | Posted almost 5 years ago

 

A short time back we lost a great comedian.  He could be vulgar, and blunt, but was also incredibly witty, and wise. George initially had a so-called clean act when he started but realize it wasn't what he wanted to do. What he wanted to do was to make people think and so he pushed the envelope. The world always needs people like George Carlin.


Here are some famous Carlin quotes. Enjoy:




 


1. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

 
 
2. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

 
 
3. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


4. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?


5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?


6. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 
7. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.


8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


9. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


10. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.


11. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


12. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


13. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


14. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.


15. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

 


Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, worn out and screaming "Woo-hoo"!!!

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Rate This | Posted almost 5 years ago

 

DaMomb-I've always liked George Carlin, tho in his later years, he was a bit over the edge. Still, it was all in fun and did give you pause to think

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Rate This | Posted about 4 years ago

 

We all need a good laugh


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Rate This | Posted about 3 years ago

 

 THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. 


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' 


THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHEDECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO

THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. 


THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. 

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!! 


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Me_in_cocceticut_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 3 years ago

 

Very good jokes folks,,   LOL

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Rated: +1 | Posted about 3 years ago

 

 


 LADY'S YEARLY EXAM 

 I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.  "135," I said.  The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"  "5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"


She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.   "Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.   What a bit*#


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Me_in_cocceticut_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 3 years ago

 

That one is the best, I can relate

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 A patrolman needs an appy:



The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.  However, the patrolman kept feeling something  pulling at the hairs in his crotch.  Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he  could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.  Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.  Written in large black letters was the sentence:   'Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'



 Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?  


Highway Patrol should think twice about giving a nurse a ticket!



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 outch

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serves him right  

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 SOme one else can add some jokes too here 


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Rated: +1 | Posted about 3 years ago

 

 The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!! 


An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.   They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' 


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,' Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 


The blonde   opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. 


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' 


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much


(Oh this is GOOD)Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said 'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!'


 




 

 


 


 


 


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Me_in_cocceticut_max50

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Rate This | Posted about 3 years ago

 

very cute

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 Come on someone else add to our laughs!


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thanks for sharing

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GIRLIE WISDOM!


 


A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care.


One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound bow of chocolates can make a women gain 5lbs.


The best way to forget your troubles is to wear a tight pair of shoes.


The older womwn get, the toughter it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.


Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panties on fire.

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 Good Ones


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alaina  those were very good.... thanks

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 I was at my bank today; there was a short line, There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.   It was obvious she was a little irritated .  . .  She asked the teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty?  Why it change?"

 The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

 The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"


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 bump


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bump, bump bump

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 lol


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