Hi all-

been another crazy couple of weeks here in our household.  I am so tired of trying to instill proper values in children whose mother seemingly has none! 

Britney, our oldest just turned 18 this past week, and she just started her senior year in high school today.  Her mother went and got her the most outrageous gift for her birthday.  Nope, not a car, not a pet...how does a hip/abdominal tattoo (approximately 8 inches long) strike you?!!!  You know, I realize that Brit's 18, and if she really wanted it, she could have gone and gotten it herself, but my feeling was, if she did, she would have had to pay for it herself, and she'd have had to deal with the repercussions of her decision.

My husband said I was a hippocrite for the way that I feel about this, because we BOTH have tattoos,  I asked him if he got his while he was still living at home, and if his parents paid for it!  The answer of course was no...but I'm still a hippocrite?!  What's next, can she "make out" on the sofa during family time, have her BF spend the night (after all, his argument is, she IS an ADULT- since when does being 18 make you an adult - I can see legally yes, but she definitely is NOT mentally)?

I told him that he had to make it clear to her that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER was that tattoo to be showing while she is in this house (at least until she's on her own...then of course I've got nothing to say about it) as we have kids that she is impressing these images/behaviors on (15, 14, 3, and 1 - one of which is already talking about getting a tattoo)  Does her mother NOT THINK about what matters in THIS house EVER???!!!

I have a difficult time accepting the fact that my husband's ex-wife has the audacity to just go and do this without consulting him first...after all, I thought that they had this child together (or at least I THOUGHT they did), and I feel sometimes that we are viewed as glorified babysitters every other week...not that an 18 year old needs a babysitter, but you can get the idea...I'm just fuming about this, and maybe I'm not venting rationally!

Okay......um here goes.  Perhaps when her mother asked what she wanted for her birthday she said a tattoo? Could you be more furious over all the other occurences but focusing on the tattoo because it's tangible?  What purpose would telling her mother off do?  Would it change anything?  Perhaps it might, but more than likely it would make things even worse.

I am with you DaMomd!!!  Kids these days think 18 is some magical number that will set them free. When my son was younger he was going to do so much when he was 18. Well the day came and went. I ask him what happened to that magical day and he ignored me...LOL He is still in my house at 19. He is in school and he is living by my rules. If he dont like it he can leave... That simple. My daughter is 15 and wanting her nosed done. She has been told not as long as she is under my roof..... I was in shock last summer when her friend came home from a vacation with her mother and had a tattoo on her shoulder. She was 14 years old. I dont know where some parents head is. She has been in trouble with the law and at school and her mother wonders what she has done wrong.. Hello She has been trying to be a best friend and not a parent. That is the biggest problem with parents today. they want to be a best friend and not a parent.

MAMADAWN says ...

DaMomb....

My ex and his new wife both have tatoos.  Yes, they got them when they were older, but I still see it as a bad example for our children.  The kids live with me and my husband and we have custody full time.  So, I am not too worried about our kids wanting them since they don't see any on me.  My ex's new wife also has a belly button ring.  I think those are only intended to look sexy.  But, it is her choice.  I just hope my kids don't follow in her footsteps.  Tatoos and belly button rings aren't my thing.  Our bodies are beautiful and don't need to be written on or scarred up. 

I feel I must respond since this post is about me.   While I do have tattoos and piercings, I don't find that I am bad role model... I have a college education..which I worked full-time and went to school full time to achieve, I have worked since I was 15 yrs old (buying my first car), and I don't do drugs or drink alcohol.  No one can see my tattoos or my piercing, and my piercing is not intended for me to look sexy.   I don't flaunt them infront of my step-daughters, I am not Britney Spear or Lindsay Lohan nor do I act or dress like them either.  The only reason that they even knew we had them was because one of the girls jumped on my husbands back and he said careful.  We were not even going to mention the tattoos to them. Should they get a tattoo or piercing, that is up to them, I will be honest with them and tell them it hurts and it won't ever come off if they chose to get one.  But I am by far not the worst role model my step daugters can have by any means.  That is all I will say, I am not trying to start any problems. 

ProudNavyWife said:  "Worse things could have happened."

I agree, but that doesn't mean that they can't...I just have to wonder, when instead of being a parent and being your child's "best friend" what are you preparing them for?  (by the way, my husband's ex took Brit to have her belly button pierced when she was 16 - another time she did not consult my husband about how he felt.) 

Britney's not a bad kid, but she's far from being an adult.  My feeling is, my house, MY RULES, NO EXCEPTIONS!  When you're on your own, and know what it's like to have to scrape by and sacrifice to pay the bills...when you have to go without to provide for your children, and you make decisions that they may not like but will learn to respect...then come talk to me.  I'm afraid that she will not come to these as long as her mother is around to coddle her.  I may be strict, but I don't  feel that I'm "over the top", or unreasonable...I have the same expectations for my own children. 

Getting a tattoo is something that is a choice that you can make when you are truely an adult...being of age doesn't cut it if your still being completely supported by your parents.  Kind of like pre-marital sex...not something I approve of (something I myself am guilty of), but when you're on your own...my disapproval does not come with consequences.

ProudNavyWife -

That last bit in my last post may have been a little TMI, and I apologize if it offends anyone, but I really wanted to get my point across, and I thought it was something that most of us might be able to relate to...

...I still want to tell "the Ex" to get a life (with "grown-ups") and start being a parent...although now I think it's way too late, and her kids may go into shock!

I'm going to risk it and just say what I think.......

I do believe you're over reacting about the tattoo.

However, all the princibles behind your anger are totally valid. THANK GOD my kids are young,( my daughter is 7, his son is 6 and we have a 10 month old girl together) but I understand the point of MY HOUSE MY RULES. You don't get to come to daddy's house and act a fool just because your mom allows you to do it at her house. Your husband needs to tell this woman that their daughters' actions affect more than just her. She has younger siblings who look up to her and she ABSOLUTLY needs to consult him with these kinds of decisions. You're right she's 18 so she could have gotten it on her own, but seriously why would her mother PAY for it? I have quite a few tattoos of my own and my daughter talks about getting one. My answer to her as a responsible parent is exactly what my mother said to me, when your 18 and you can pay for it do what you want. What is wrong with these women?

OK, so maybe it's not JUST the tattoo.  I have seen it, and I think it's very pretty (as I knew it would be), but there are many things surrounding this issue that just plain piss me off, and it takes quite a bit to get me to this point.

1. These kids (my husband's two from previous marriage) are handed quite literally EVERYTHING.  They are challenged to do nothing - and yes, this includes things at school.  Britney WAS already given a car.  She was not going to do much to pay for it until I told her that she couldn't go to the local watering hole to swim with her buddies until she'd completed at LEAST three job applications.  (she has now held a part time job for more than a year as a cashier.)

2.  These are still my husband's kids too.  His ex-wife asks him nothing when it comes to them other than if she can have them on certain ocassions when it's our week to have them.  She consults him on none of these BIG decisions.

3. As somebody has already said, Britney's actions impact the lives of more than just herself (as long as she's in our home).  And it seems to me that nobody seems to take this fact into consideration.

Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, but it frustrates me that they are so spoiled and have no idea what's coming at them.  I'm afraid they won't even get a "shock" when they get into the "real" world, because of how much they are coddled.  I know that kids need love, and I'm not just ALL business, but this is getting to be beyond ridiculous...and I don't think that I'm overreacting.  If she were 20, still living with us (out of high school), had a job, and wanted to do this it wouldn't have been such an issue.  I'd hope that it would have been a discussion and not just a huge surprise, but still, it wouldn't have been such a huge ordeal then.

I know how great my kids are doing.  I am super lucky my ex has a really nice wife.  She doesn't go out and drink or act wild.  She is a fairly good example to my kids.  My husband and I are pretty strict with our kids, so it is nice to know that my ex and his new wife are also that way to a degree.  Our kids are lucky to have 2 sets of AWESOME parents!