That was great! My Husband (a deputy) got a kick out of that one!

LOL, this is funny b/c it is so true, thanks Pat!

I will try to find some funnies too, just as funny as yours

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.  So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife 

“I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." 

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to he refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. 

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen Glasses... "He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,! "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. 

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back I promise. OK?" 

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, and pizza rounds. 

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that... 

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" 

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

Labor Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.


He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.


But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.


The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.


She and her husband were ecstatic.


When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

 Very funny!

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
 
  Two hillbillies Ed  and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of  
whiskey,
  they talk  about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a  
nearby  table,
  who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or  so, it  
becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.
 
One of the  hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her  head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her  head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her  dress,
  yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a  lick  
with his tongue.
 
  The woman is so shocked that she has a  violent spasm and the  
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
  As she  begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the  
bar.
  His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind  Lick  
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!" =============
 
 
 

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: 
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' 
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. 

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.  SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER 

 

This is so cool we all need this in r life.

 STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'  The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle  ALL of these chickens. 


Look what it has done to me Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'  The young rooster says, 


'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.' The old rooster says,  'I tell you what, young stud. 


I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 


'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' 


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.   He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch 


When he sees the roosters running by.   The Old Roster is squawking  And running as hard as he can.  The Farmer grabs his shotgun and


- BOOM -   He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 


 'Dammit.....  Third gay rooster I bought this month.' 


 Moral of this Story?.. 


Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION  Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance! 

From out of Nowhere

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch-hiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain.
It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.
The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out,
he started to pray and begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and
in the swamp and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.
Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey,
then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps
when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other,
"Look Toivo, der's dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain."
 

 This is why women should not take men shopping against their  will.   After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her  trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found  shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally   unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the  local Wal-Mart: 

Dear Mrs. Samsel, 

Over the past six month s, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our 

complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put  them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 


 2.. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go  off at 5-minute intervals. 


 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor  leading to the women's restroom. 


 4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an  official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' 


 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a  bag of M&M's on layaway. 


 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a  carpeted area. 


7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and  told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring  pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 


 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he  began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me  alone?' 


9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and  used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting  department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 


 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while  loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

12. October 6: I n the auto department, he practiced his  'Madonna-look' by using different sizes of funnels. 


 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and  when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME!  PICK ME!' 


14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud  speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO!  IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 

 And last, but not least... 


 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,  waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet  paper in here!' 

 Sincerely, 


 Wal-Mart 

 California Women

The first man had married a woman from Ohio and 

had told her that she was going to do dishes and 

house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the 

third day he came home to a clean house and dishes 

washed and put away. 

    

    

The second man had married a woman from Minnesota . 

He had given his wife orders that she was to do all 

the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day 

he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it 

was better.  On the third day, he saw his house was 

clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge 

dinner on the table. 



The third man had married a girl from California . 

He told her that her duties were to keep the house 

cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling 

had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left 

eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the 

dishwasher.

Sunday Morning 11 AM

In a hospital???s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was contaced and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.

Just then the clock struck 11???

And then??????

Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

Yes, I'm convinced that the old man must had been very good in bed. LOL!