Women Over Fifty

 A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. 

 Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?  What’s the matter

with you?” 

 The woman continue s to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think.  I just came from having a

mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.” 
 The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?” 

 “Your name never came up,” she replied. 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. 

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 

'Why, I' ve been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.' 


.

What you didn't like my other ones?   Okay, whatcha think a this.....

A regular guy was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.  He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, despite the fact that he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, as well as her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

While she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.  He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.  After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing him a blue streak in terms that would make a sailor blush.  I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk……”

with a significant glance, he continued, “Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless!!

Yankee Ingenuity

“Mr. Preston, the doctor will see you now,”  the pert young MA said, while opening the door to the exam rooms.

86 year old Mr. Preston slowly shuffled past, without giving her a second look.

“Well, Mr. uh, Preston is it? Yes, Preston, what can we do for you today?” the ambitious young MD asked.  “What brings you in?”

“Wee-ehl,”  the elderly gentleman drawled,  “I would like some of that there Viagara, you know, the little blue pills?”

Astonished, the MD looked at Mr. Preston and  said “Well, uh, sir, I don’t know if it will do any good.  You know’ he continued, ‘ that there is a point after which nothing is going to help.”

Obviously put out, the old man replied, “It ain’t fer that, ya damn fool, I just want it to stick out far enough that I don’t piss on my shoes.”

 these were all very funny

Here.. Another short joke story:

 Three Men on an Island

 There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie so the second guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie again and the third guy says, "I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese". The next morning the first guy says, "I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world". The second guy says, "I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese". The third guy says, "Yankee Doodle went to town ridin on a pony while you dummies were asleep I ate the bowl of macaroni".

Hahaha.. LOL..

 lol

Q:river Nile in which state

A: Liquid state

catrina

[url=http://www.drug-rehab-center.org/alabama.htm] Alabama Drug Rehab Centers and Programs[/url]

i was listening to 106.1 kiss fm to the mrning show with kidd, when i heard this hilarious story about an anonymous email kidd recieved:

i was fumbling through some papers on my desk when i came across an old phone number from a friend i hadnt spoken to in a while and decided i would call her. the phone rang 3 times and a man answered in a ed off tone saying "HELLO?!". i politley asked if mary was around, explained who i was and if i could speak to her. the rude man said, " YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!! DONT CALL AGAIN!!" and he hung up on me!

i was so mad, i called him back. when he answered with his rude "HELLO?!" , i yelled

"YOUR A JERK!"

and i hung up on him.

well a few weeks went by, and anytime someone would get me off and i needed a good release, i would call the number and yell

"YOUR A JERK!" and hang up to feel better. and it worked for quite a while, but eventually the steam ran out and i started calling the number less and less.

after a few weeks, i was pulling into a parking lot at my dentist's office, with absolutley no parking available. i circled the lot 4 times before someone finally left near the front door! but just as i was about to pull into the spot, a yellow corvette swooped in and took it.

i rolled down the window and said, "hey man, ive been waiting for 20 minutes for that spot!" the guy just laughed at me and said "too bad pal" and walked away.

i was so angry i was about to call the number again when i saw a "for sale" sign on the corvette with a number. i wrote it down and drove away.

as the weeks went by, i called both the numbers yelling YOUR A JERK at the two rude men, and hanging up. but this thrilled me less and less. i decided to find a clever way to end the hang-up-calls for good.

i called the second number, (the yellow corvette man) and said politley, "yes is this the owner of the beautiful yellow corvette for sale?" the man said yes. i asked him if it was still available and the price, and he informed me it was still available, the price of the car, and asked if i would like to come see it. i agreed and he gave me the address.

later that night i drove by the address to make sure it was the correct yellow corvette and rude man. after i checked that out i went home.

a couple days went by and i decided to end this once and for all.

i called the first number, and yelled "YOUR A JERK" but didnt hang up. the man said "ARE YOU STILL THERE?" and i said told him, "YES JERK!" and he said " YOUR REALLY GONNA GET IT IF I EVER FIND YOU!!" and i said "WELL GOOD! THEN COME OVER HERE!!" and gave him the yellow corvettes address. "HE SAID IM ON MY WAY TO COME TEACH YOU A LESSON!!" and i said "GOOD JERK! ILL BE WAITING!!" and hung up

then i called the 2nd number and yelled "YOUR A JERK!" when he answered. when i didnt hang up the man said "IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE...."  and thats when i told him "YOUR ABOUT TO! CAUSE IM ON MY WAY TO YOUR HOUSE!!! IM GONNA GET YOU AND YOUR UGLY YELLOW CORVETTE!!!!" he screamed "GOOD, ILL BE WAITING FOR YOU!!" i yelled "GOOD JERK! IM ON MY WAY!" and hung up.

then i drove to the end of the yellow corvette man's street to watch and dialed 911. i anonomyously informed the police that a gang fight was about to happen at the address of yellow corvette man and asked them to please hurry.

the first number guy pulled up to the house and the yellow corvette man came outside, the two of them started throwing punches and rolling around, beating the crap out of each other. then the police pulled up and arrested them both.

thats when i drove by slowly with the window rolled down and screamed "HEY! YOUR BOTH JERKS!!!!" and drove away.

i thought this story was hilarious, though probabally untrue, since now there are so many ways to block calls and such.

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession.

The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve.

The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden."

" I have both of you beaten," the lawyer gloated. " Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden Of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who do you think could have created that?".

No offense to Rick, I'm sure he's heard them all before.  With all the doctor bashing on this site, I figured anyone is fair game; and it truly is meant in fun.  Someone that had previously been married to and divorced from an attorney told me this one.  Feel free to substitute the role of an attorney with whoever you would like.  Here it goes; short but sweet.

Q;  What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?

A:  Both stand one in a million chances of becoming a human being.

Too funny

I need a rich men too

　We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach. "Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pant pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting. To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket." What I got was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

                                                                                     From:www.ifsneaker.com