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Divorce Letter
Dear Wife:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your
soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or
anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me
or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when
you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You
look just like a girl!”
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something
nice, I didn’t comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me
confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price
tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I
still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
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That is so funny.
