You know your a nurse when or if  : 

• you wish the front of your scrubs could read "Nurses...here to save you a**, not kiss it"


• you believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)


• you've ever ran out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds and patience all at the same time.


• you ever felt like your a Gastroenterologist.....because you work with a**holes.


• it is as BAD as you think and the patients ARE out to get you.


• you feel the earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


• you do the "only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell" happy dance.


• when you need money, your shift is cancelled:....when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.


• you believe sick people don't *itch


• you believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.


• you believe if the child is quiet, be scared.


• you believe you can't cure stupid.


• you believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case"


• you believe in the underwear theory of charting:  Keep your behind covered.


• you have seen more "moons" than the Hubble telescope.


• you own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them.


• you never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.


• you no longer have a gag reflex.


• you believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


• you believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard and it could use a little chlorine.


• you believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


• your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.


• you think pizza, cookies and diet coke make a balanced meal.


• you tell cops where to go without fear!


• you can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.


• you believe that saying "it can't get any worse" causes it to get worse just to show you it can.


• you believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just a**holes.


• you wash your hands before and after going to the bathroom.


• you believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN.


• you call some of your co-workers "Flowers in the Field of Medicine" because they're bloomin' idiots.


• everything only happens all at once.


• you look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.


• you don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.


• anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you obviously don't understand the situation.


• everyone gets treated exactly the same - - - until they **** you off.


• the ER is a mixture of can do, can't do and why the hell not!


• you believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia.


• you have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A**) precautions.


• you know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.


• you can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.


• you've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring, a lip ring and 12 earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots".


• you automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.


• you can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers"


• your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold.


• you think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.


• you've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.


• you believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered.


• you believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.


• you believe you have patients who are demonically possessed.


• you have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.


• your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat.


• you believe chocolate is a food group.


• you don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see.


• you have discovered new conditions called "Hypo-Xanax-emia" and "Hypo-Lortab-emia"


• you've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"


• you have ever restrained someone.....and it wasn't a sexual experience.


• you have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine.

You know your a night nurse when:

• you are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight saving time goes into effect.


• you want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep.


• your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"