1. - Doctor, what do you have for my wrinkles?

     -The utmost respect.

2. At a party the wife is asking her husband:

-Honey, weren't you ashame to go and fill up your plate with food 5 times?

-Oh no dear, because each time I told them that it is for you.

3. Women are like medals: You fight hard to get them and then they hang heavy around your neck all your life.

4. The father is bringing the kid from day care and when mom comes to get her baby says:

-Honey, what is wrong with you?. This is not our kid.

-So what, dear?. I am taking him back to the same day care tomorrow.

5. In a crowd, in a monastery, somebody starts yelling:

-Brothers, I am walking! I am walking on my own feet again.

-How this miracle happened?. Tell us!

-My car was stollen.

6. In a mental institution, the doctor is asking one of the patients:

-Why are you telling everybody that you are Napoleon but you are telling only me that you are the Ludovic XIV?

-Because you are my doctor and I can not lie to you.

7. Two married women were talking in a bus about how expensive life became, the dresses, shoes, jewelry and so on. A man, with his eyes closed, was sitting next to them.

-You should find a boyfriend who, for small "favors" will give you $500/month, says one woman to the other.

- What if I can not find one that will give me $500?, replies the other woman.

-Then find two boyfriends that will give you $250 each.

In the same time the man is opening his eyes saying:

-Wake me up when you reach $20.

8. What is the difference between a good lawyer and lawyer for VIPs?

A good lawyer knows the law, while the VIP's lawyer knows the judge.

9. A man returns earlier from a business trip and the wife who had three men over didn't know where to hide them .......so she gets each one of them in a bag out on the balcony. The husband goes out for a smoke and sees the bags.

-Honey, what is in those bags?

-Ohhh darling, my mother came today and brought us some gifts.

The man kicks one of the bags and a pig sound came out of it.

-Very nice, says the man. A little pig!

Then he kicks the second bag and the sound of a sheep came out.

-We've got a sheep in this one. Very nice!

He kicks the third bag and nothing. He kicks it harder and harder until the bag opens and a furious man comes out saying:

-Idiot, if you got no noise this means that you received a bag of potatoes.