• “unresponsive and in no distress”


• “nonverbal, noncommunicative and offers no complaints” 


• “irregular heart failure” 


• “his Hct is stable but dropping”


• “I don’t want to be incubated again”


• Indication for CXR - “coffee bean emesis” 


• “pt was apprehended and guarded”


• “pulses are fixed and dilated”


• in asking about code status - “do you want your wife to receive artificial insemination” 


• “Findings compatible with ileus. Bladder is still in colon”


• “be sure to check eyes and nose” (Is and Os)


• Reason for leaving AMA - “pt wants to live”


• “I had a kiwi on my chest” (keloid)  


• “that bacterial virus is a doozy”


• “noncompliant smoker”


• Reason for office visit - “F\U chest rumbles”


• “partial TAH”


• Nursing notes in the ICU - “MD @ bedside attempted to urinate”


• “titrate Tridil to pain” 


• Indication for flex sig - “blood when whipping himself”


• “chicken pops”


• “if she wants children, think about recommending birth control pills” 


• “holy systolic murmur”


• “pt expired and was dc’d home” 


• “Pt has looked cachectic for the past 3 days” 


• “She diuresed pretty well. I gave her 40 of Lasix and she put out 2000 liters.” 


• “My back has been hurting ever since they gave me that cauterizer.” (Foley catheter) 


• discharge dx=nephrolithiasis; discharge instructions=”drink plenty of urine” 


• “Her CHF got much better with diaphoresis” 


• Plan - “gently dehydrate” 


• “nursing home called for pt acting lethargic” 


• chief complaint - “bazaar behavior” 


• “GERP” 


• “depakote shot for pain” 


• “albeauty inhaler” 


• “I follow him for his paranoia” 


• allergies - “yes” 


• Order “Please feed patient only when awake.” 


• “Check orthostasis while on the floor” 


• “She is to wear STD stockings” 


• “nonaudible wheezing noted” 


• “He is allergic to wives.” 


• “No clubbing, cyanois, or extremities.” 


• order: “Incentive spriometry Q 1 hour until awake.” 


• “Her stomach showed 3+ edema up to the knees.”


• “pneumonia left femur”


• “2-4 packs of whiskey QD”

I'd like to be on this jury

And many chapters it would be..